Another day, another class
And I'd write about you a lot more than I should
-- Benedict Smith, I wish I wrote the way I thought
When the sun came up, Theodore hit the kitchen for some breakfast. He’d only eaten a few hours before, but for some reason, he’d grown really hungry throughout the night. The blunt wasn’t all gone yet; he remembered the roach Laith had kept in his wallet the first time around and how he’d shared a full one with Justin, meaning that each of them had only smoked about half of it. He’d gotten extremely high that time, so hopefully, the lack of hash would help him keep some of his focus today. There was class to attend, after all.
As the day dragged on, it became increasingly apparent that every single subject on his schedule was garbage. No, worse—uninteresting garbage. The topics were complicated, the issues were stupid, and everything that these businessmen cared about was dumb. Productivity, sales, profit—all of it was a snore. Why did his father have to be the most boring man on the planet? If Carolyn had married a baseball player, at least Theodore would be graduating in something he actually liked, but whatever. It was only four years, he told himself, teeth gritting. Just four quick years, like high school. The thought alone almost doubled him over with a retch, but he kept it classy, like his mother had taught him to.
If college had any redeeming qualities, it was definitely the cafeteria, big like a shopping mall with multiple restaurants to choose from. The girls were all very excited about their majors, happy with their classes and enthralled by their teachers. While Theodore was happy for them, he just couldn’t share the sentiment. He imagined that, if this delicious hamburger were his major, then he’d be plenty happy about it too, so he got where they were coming from.
They talked as he ate, sharing details about their awesome teachers and all the ideas they had for the future. It was wild how easily they planned out their entire careers, from their apartment near campus to massive houses in New York and California, two cats for Daisy and two kids for Jessie. Hannah and Nadia still weren’t sure what kind of company they wanted to live with, if any at all. Listening to them, Theodore felt like a five-year-old, just looking forward to sleeping this afternoon. Sure, his parents had his entire life planned out for him, but he didn’t know what he actually wanted to do, if he’d even want to follow their plans at all. If his distaste for business school was any indication of what was to come, then he probably didn’t have much to look forward to.
“What about you, Theo?” Hannah smiled. “You look more interested in your sandwich than the first week of college. Aren’t you excited about the future?”
“I’m just happy to be here with you guys.”
All four girls exchanged glances.
“What? Is that so weird to say?” he asked.
“I mean…” Daisy held up a hand. “You kind of disappeared yesterday. We thought you’d made new friends and had lunch with them and stuff, so yeah, that comment is a little weird. I guess we thought wrong.”
“Uh, yeah, very wrong. I haven’t met a single person here.”
“Then where did you have lunch yesterday?”
His mind drew a huge blank. Oh my god, where did he have lunch yesterday? “I wasn’t hungry, so I skipped it. Sorry, I forgot to tell you.”
Daisy practically rolled her eyes. He opened his mouth to contest that, but Jessie spoke before he could.
“At this point, Theo, we don’t expect you to tell us anything, because you never do.” Her words stabbed him clean through. The worst part was that he didn’t even have what to say in his defense, since there wasn’t one. She was right.
“I’m sorry, I’m—I’m going through something. I… don’t know how to explain it.”
“You know, you don’t have to tell us everything,” Hannah started. Her tone was always assertive, so the firmness here just doubled down on that, “but we live together. It’s one thing to skip lunch with us, but we literally never know where you are at any point in time. You disappear for hours on end and then lie about where you were. You’re sketchy, dude.”
“We know about the tunnels,” Daisy whispered, eyes down at her own food. The word alone sent shivers up his spine. “You don’t have to lie about that.”
“I want to meet Laith.” That name in Jessie’s voice paralyzed him. Was he asleep? This felt like a horrible nightmare. “We know he’s the reason you’re pulling away from us,” she continued, “but it doesn’t have to be this way. We don’t hate him; he’s your friend for a reason. If you like him, I’m sure we’ll like him too.”
“You don’t have to hide from us,” Nadia added, her voice soothing and sweet. “We’re your friends.”
He stared at them, terrified. “Guys, I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do; I’m just winging it and the problem with that is—I do a lot of stupid shit. Putting that kind of stuff out there, like telling you guys about it just highlights how stupid I am. I don’t want that.”
“You’re not stupid.” Nadia frowned.
“We don’t think you’re stupid,” Daisy corrected. “We just don’t want you to feel like you have to wear a mask around us, that’s all.”
“Please stop lying.” The scowl on Jessie’s face was less out of pity and more out of frustration. “Friends don’t judge you when you fuck up; they help you clean up after yourself.”
Hm, that wasn’t how Laith’s friend group seemed to work. Not anymore, at least. Between Emily and Ryan blaming everything on Laith, Justin wishing it’d all disappear without his help and Sherry being Theodore’s moral support, it seemed that Laith didn’t have anyone helping him with the cleanup. If Theodore weren’t the bastard who’d started it all and if his presence in Laith’s vicinity didn’t make everything worse, he’d be the first in line to help. Unfortunately, he didn’t even have Laith’s number.
“What did you do that was so stupid, anyway?” The scorn in Hannah’s voice accompanied strong arms folded over her chest, shoulders bouncing with a shrug. Already, he didn’t feel like telling her.
“I went to class really high yesterday. I don’t remember what I did during lunch; I just remember waking up in bed. There. No more lies.”
Jessie was the only one who grinned at that. Hannah rolled her eyes, Daisy shrugged with raised eyebrows and Nadia scowled.
“I didn’t know you were a pothead,” Jessie teased, nudging him.
“I’m not a pothead; I was just hanging out with Justin. That’s what he does.”
“That explains your sudden sincerity on Sunday night. I knew it’d come from somewhere.” Hannah’s eyes remained fixed at the crowd that filled the cafeteria, disinterested in looking at him.
His lips pursed. “Okay, I smoked this morning too, but that was just because I didn’t have anything else going on. Nothing was open and no one was awake; there was nothing to do. I’m not a pothead.”
“Oh my god, you’re high right now?” Jessie spoke with a smile.
“You’ve mentioned this name a few times now,” Daisy thoughtfully interrupted, “Justin. You went to his farm last weekend.”
“Yeah, he’s another one of Ryan’s friends. The other one is Emily, who hates me right now.”
“Because…?” Daisy drew out.
“Because I slept with her best friend and high school crush.”
The table’s reactions this time were less than positive, a round of awkward looks and grimaces.
“How close were you?” Hannah asked.
“Not close, which pretty much ruins any chance of us ever becoming friends.”
“Yeah, it doesn’t look great.” Daisy held her eyebrows high, lips pressed together. “But it’s not the end of the world. She’ll hate you for a while, then she’ll come back around.”
“Give her some space to grieve,” Jessie suggested.
“Why are you keeping so many people away from us?” Hannah’s tone was almost hurt, frustrated. “You have a whole double life that we’re not allowed to be in.”
“I don’t know; I thought you’d clash. Those guys are weird and you guys are normal. You’re…” he faltered, hand motioning to Hannah, “straight and rich; I don’t know. I didn’t think you’d get along.”
Nadia frowned. “Ryan’s gay?”
“No, but those guys—ugh!—they’re not heteronormative.” He almost screamed, palms up with his point. “I don’t know how else to say this; they go to gay clubs and talk about gay stuff. All you guys do is talk about boys.”
“You’re being extremely unfair right now.” Daisy spoke with her eyes down at her own sandwich, eyebrows up on her forehead.
“Isn’t that what they do, though?” Hannah challenged. “Except they’re men, so when they do it, it’s gay.”
He breathed in deeply. “You’ll only get what I mean if you meet them.”
“Good, I’d love to. How about this Friday?”
“I can’t contact them. You know that.”
“How about this.” Jessie held out a hand between them. “Next time Laith comes around, you’ll introduce us.”
He cringed. “I hate that more than anything.”
“Why?” Her tone showed offense, but in an honesty kick, he didn’t care for it.
“We don’t meet to hang out. It’s like Hannah said yesterday; we’re not friends. We get together, we do what we need to do, and then he leaves. It’s like a delivery service.”
Full honesty.
“He doesn’t even like me,” he added.
Jessie’s eyes slitted with doubt. “Okay, then. Next time you meet up with any of them, you’ll introduce us.”
“I don’t know when that’ll be.”
“Doesn’t matter; it’s a deal.”
“It’s not a deal.”
“It’s a deal.” She grabbed his hand and shook it.
***
It was unbearable to watch these lectures sober, or mostly sober. The floors had stopped moving on their own, and last he’d checked, his reflection didn’t sway, so it was safe to assume he was coming down from the high. It sucked. Suddenly, he could follow the professors’ train of thought and process information, which only solidified his intense urge to not be here anymore.
Almost everyone had their phones out, so he took out his and went through it, looking for anything to do; the first distraction available. He should’ve smoked the rest of that joint before leaving. Justin must not have packed it as much as he did his own, knowing Theodore didn’t usually do this. On second thought, he should’ve realized that and smoked the entire thing. Ugh. Now he only had half of a weak piece of shit and no rolling paper for the rest. God, his life was hell.
On his phone, he came across Emily’s number. An indescribable need to text her came over him like a current, pulling at his feet, dragging his body across the ocean floor, so he tapped on it and stared at the screen. Hey, can we talk? stared back at him, his last message to her, sent just before Justin had called and invited him to the party.
God, what would he even say? Jessie’s advice was to give her space, so realistically, he should probably do that. His thumb hovered over the return button, hesitant. Couldn’t she give him someone else’s number to text? Not Laith’s, but maybe Justin’s? He’d need an excuse for that. His mind promptly landed on rolling paper and weed. After all, he was just a client! With his heart in his mouth, he tapped on the keyboard.
Hey. No, he’d opened with that last time; get creative. What’s up? Too informal; they weren’t even friends. Can I have Justin’s number? Honesty was key. He wouldn’t even be lying about the next part, if he thought about it. I’d like to buy from him.
A minute later, Justin’s contact showed up on screen without a single word from her. Weird. It rubbed him the wrong way, but then again, she was extremely furious with him, so this might be for the best. He added Justin’s contact to his list just as the follow-up question came.
Are you with Laith?
Huh. Ryan had texted him the exact same thing yesterday. Suddenly, his blood ran cold—were they looking for him? Had he gone missing?
No, why?
He stared at the screen for a long time, but the answer never came. That was where she drew the line, then. If she was out of the equation, then Justin was his best bet. Tapping on his contact opened up a new screen.
Hey, it’s Theo. Emily gave me your number.
Why are you guys looking for Laith?
It only took Justin a few minutes to text back.
Yo!!!!! I can’t believe she did that. Bet you said some fucked up shit for it. Told her you’re dying?
No joke tho but I’ve been meaning to get your number for soo long. Didn’t know how to do it without sounding like I was hitting on you hehe.
He grinned.
It’s okay to say you were wrong and admit that I am, in fact, your type. I’m just too handsome!
Yeah, you are. I’ve never doubted that.
So.
His fingers hesitated over the keys.
Where’s Laith?
Isn’t he with you?
You can tell me bro. I won’t say anything to the others.
He’s not with me though.
The chat went silent. He felt his heart drop to the pit of his stomach, pulse racing.
They’ll be very relieved to hear that, you know.
His eyebrows pinched together. Wait.
Is he missing or not?
Nah, I don’t think so.
I mean, I haven’t talked to him, but I’m sure he’s fine.
The reassurance was appreciated.
Goddammit dude, you scared me!
Dickhead.
Justin simply laughed. So Laith wasn’t missing and the others were just worried that they were together again. His eyes rolled. If that was all they’d been texting Laith about, then Theodore understood why he’d stopped replying. He must have, if nobody had managed to reach him these days. He might as well have turned off his damn phone.
Once again, there was concrete proof of Emily and Ryan deliberately making Laith’s life worse. If Theodore had to guess, Jessie hadn’t said anything about friends that actively sabotaged each other because that wasn’t something friends did in the first place. Those guys could at least try to understand what went on between him and Laith—which was absolutely nothing, anyway—but no; Ryan’s explosive nature would never allow for conversations of any kind or understandings of the most basic stuff. He just wasn’t interested. It’d always been this way with him, fighting with their mother instead of talking to her, pushing Henry to make him angry, finding trouble to get a reaction out of their parents. He thrived off chaos, which, at twenty-three, was really starting to get embarrassing.
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