A party on Saturday afternoon
Laughing when everything is all fucked up
I see rainbows when I think of us, it's all a dream
-- The Haunt, Cigarettes & Feelings
Distant voices and a low rumbling cut through the darkness, pulling him back to consciousness. It took him a minute to realize the voices belonged to the girls and the music came from the living room, muffled by his bedroom door. It sounded like they were partying again. Opening his eyes, he found himself in Laith’s arms, wrapped in a blanket while Laith was still fully dressed. This sleeping arrangement was what he’d come to expect by now; it was the clothes that threw him off. He remembered fighting Laith on this, just not very much. Laith had been in a strange mood last night, too loving to make Theodore want to fight him.
“Good morning.”
Oh, so Laith was already awake. A little distance allowed Theodore to glance up at him and meet two bright green eyes. “Why didn’t you wake me up?” he asked.
“I haven’t been awake for very long.”
The music outside boomed. He unhooked an arm from around Laith to glance at his watch—three in the afternoon. Jesus, had those people slept at all? He hadn’t even drunk this morning and still felt like absolute shit. Oh, it must be the hangover from last night. He rubbed his eyes, head pounding.
“Don’t forget to apologize,” Laith remarked. “Daisy will want to see it.”
“Yes, I remember what you told me. I was sober.”
“Alright.”
He looked up to see Laith staring past him, somewhere over his shoulder. Over his shoulder? A brief turn showed Laith’s phone about an inch from his face. He couldn’t see the screen from this angle. Again, he remembered the night of the threesome, how he’d woken up to find Hwan on his phone while Marquis slept. He’d been thinking about it a lot recently—why? His mind had been stuck on Laith that night, so why was it coming back to him now? He never seemed to be fully present anywhere, at any point in time, always wishing to be somewhere else, thinking of people who weren’t there. Truth was, he didn’t want to be anywhere else, even if he missed Hwan. Oh my god, was that why he kept thinking about him? He shut his eyes and rolled them. How indecisive could someone possibly be? Hwan was right—he had to stop.
“Can you… talk to me? I don’t feel like I’m really here.”
The phone by his head clicked. “What do you mean?”
“Just…”
Their eyes met. Laith stared at him from under a slight scowl, a hint of worry on his brows. Yes, this was what he’d needed—Laith’s attention on him. A hand touched Laith’s arm absently, fingers coiling into a firm grip.
“Remind me of what I have.”
“Like…?” Worry slowly turned into confusion as one of Laith’s eyebrows raised. His sentence trailed off, waiting for Theodore to finish it, lips parted just the tiniest bit. It was bright enough in the room that Theodore could see him just fine, eyes milky green, always a contrast to the warm tones of his skin. His hair, even in disarray, caught under the weight of his head, still looked stylish somehow, locks splayed across the pillow, fashionably off his forehead. A moment of silence was all Theodore needed to remember why he’d gone through such lengths for this. He lashed out when he forgot, yearning for somebody else when the only one that had ever mattered was right under his nose. He turned and kissed Laith’s wrist, his hand. Instinctively, Laith pulled away.
“I’m sorry. I’ll stop being weird.”
Laith squinted, unsold on his poor excuse. “What do you mean, you’re not really here? Are you stuck in your own head or out of your body?”
“I’m always stuck in my head. I can’t seem to get out of it. That’s what happened last Thursday; I was so wrapped up in my own bullshit that I forgot how reality worked.”
“Has it always been this way?”
“Yeah. Haven’t you noticed? I’ve always been fucking crazy.”
Laith stared at him, eyebrows furrowing.
“I keep thinking things over all the time,” Theodore explained. “Even stuff I can’t change. I replay it all in my mind a million times, analyzing it, thinking maybe that’s what I missed or wondering what something meant. That’s why I always remember everything you say—everything you’ve ever said. I think about it all constantly.”
Dark eyebrows raised very briefly before moving into an even deeper scowl. “Jesus Christ,” Laith mumbled. “I was just joking when I said that.”
“You weren’t very far off.”
Suddenly, his heart skipped a beat—would Laith leave him now that he knew what went on in Theodore’s head? He shouldn’t have said anything. The only reason he’d even spoken about this was because he thought Laith already knew about it, that he’d already noticed it and had simply decided not to bring it up, like a gentleman. The hand on Laith’s arm squeezed. Before he could say anything, Laith was speaking again.
“You know there’s a name for that, right? Whatever you have. I think it’s anxiety, but it might be something else. Fred will know.”
Oh, anxiety—why had he never thought of that? Now that Laith said it, the last piece of the puzzle fit perfectly into place. Theodore already knew what the final picture looked like, but he still needed to see it for himself. Hearing Laith say it gave sense to everything. He should’ve seen a doctor about this much earlier in his life. “Yeah.” His voice was quiet, almost absent. He nodded. “I think you’re right. You’re always right.”
Laith touched his face, covering his ear with a hand. “Are you good?”
“I’m good.”
He wasn’t really looking at anything, lost in the maze that turned and twisted the folds of his brain. His focus only returned when a thumb swiped across his cheek, Laith’s palm warm on the side of his face. The crease between Laith’s eyebrows was gone.
“You’ll be fine,” Laith reassured him.
That hand left his face far too soon. Laith turned and got out of bed, spikes glinting as he stretched, rivets catching the soft light in the room. The three-headed snake stared back at Theodore.
“I liked that.” That sentence thoughtlessly stumbled out of his mouth. He’d spoken from the heart, not the mind. It caught Laith’s attention, turning him around to meet Theodore’s eyes. Theodore moved absently, getting into a sitting position. “When you touched my face just now,” he clarified. “It was nice.”
Laith nodded. “I’ll do it more.”
***
The reception this time was closer to what he’d expected the night before. Conversation died as the girls caught sight of him, turning to watch him approach. They’d been drinking in the hallway space between the dining table and the kitchen counter; some sat on the stools while others leaned on the table. Jessie and Justin were one of the few who stood on their feet, half-dancing, half-swaying to the rhythm of the music that played on the TV. Justin greeted him with a big smile while everybody else just kind of stared.
“Hey! Are you joining us for a bit of afternoon fun? No one could really sleep last night, so we decided to start early. Who cares? It’s the weekend.”
Theodore thought back to the party on Justin’s farm and how he and his friends had drunk all weekend that time too. He was no stranger to this. If anything, he might’ve even been the one to give the idea, since the girls didn’t usually do that.
“I don’t know yet. I’m actually here to talk to Jessie, but it’s also about you.”
Justin’s eyebrows raised with interest. His half-lidded eyes evidenced his inebriation, but he was still conscious enough to hold conversation. No one seemed too far gone just yet. Turning from him, Theodore stared at Jessie next. She watched him with a hint of sadness in her eyes, clearly still upset.
“Jessie,” he began, pulse quickening, “I want to apologize for what I said to you. It was fucked up of me to speak for Justin like I even knew how he felt. I put words in his mouth and drew conclusions I never should have and I’m sorry. I thought I was doing it because I cared about you, but if I really did, I wouldn’t have said anything. I don’t want you to break up; I actually want you to be happy together. I get too caught up in my own world sometimes. I’m sorry.”
She forced a smile. “Thanks, Theo. That means a lot.”
None of what he’d just said had made her any happier; her smile was still clipped and her shoulders were still tense, but he’d done his part. If he wanted her to genuinely forgive him, then he’d have to be completely honest too, not give her a faux apology that he didn’t believe in. Ideally, he’d have to sit down with Justin first and clear up any misunderstandings, make sure that what he heard was right, that Justin was actually in love with Emily, because if he wasn’t, then nothing Theodore believed in held any water. If Justin pulled him aside and told him he’d never meant to date Emily in the first place, then he’d give Jessie an honest apology.
Justin came in to give him a brief but tight hug. “It’s alright, buddy; I should’ve been clearer with you. It’s my fault this whole thing happened.”
“I read too into it, I guess.” What he really wanted was to question Justin, but it wasn’t time for that, not in front of the others.
“Are we all good now?” Laith’s voice boomed behind him, out of view. “Can we fucking party?”
“I mean…” One of Jessie’s shoulders bounced. “Yeah.”
The room didn’t immediately turn up the music and begin dancing. Instead, the girls all gave each other quiet looks before sipping their drinks. It was very clear that they’d just talked right there, even if Theodore didn’t speak their language. That was something he’d noticed while growing up, how much they said with just one look. They’d never taught him to decode it, though. He just hoped it was something good.
He found Laith standing right behind him. “I gotta shower,” he commented. “Gimme half an hour?”
“I was thinking about going home and doing the same, so.” Laith brought a hand up to gesture as he spoke, palm upturned. “See you in a few.”
“You’ll come back here?”
“Yeah. I’ll meet you in an hour or so.”
“Okay.”
With a quick nod, Laith stepped around him to leave. He spoke to the room on the way out, letting them know he’d be back later.
***
The only reason Theodore didn’t lock himself in his room until Laith came back was because Justin was here. While the girls didn’t openly antagonize him, it was obvious they still weren’t ready to move on. He hadn’t expected them to. Nadia was the only one who spoke to him like nothing had happened, fixing him a drink while telling him about last night. It was pretty much everything Laith had already told him, plus how much fun she’d had. Apparently, Laith had been very open-minded and eager to learn. It’d made her happy to see it. She stood by the counter, making drinks and fetching beers as requested. Daisy came over to see her every once in a while, and when she did, Theodore’s conversation with Nadia paused so she could speak with her girlfriend. It was a little rude, but he didn’t mind it; sitting next to Justin, he simply turned and talked to him instead.
Hannah still wasn’t super sold on Theodore’s apology. In fact, nobody was, but she managed to come around as her glass grew empty. She didn’t have to agree with him to have a good time. Even Daisy was able to put this whole thing behind her and hang out, despite not believing him one bit. It was easy to avoid further confrontation—she just didn’t bring it up. Jessie came over to speak with her boyfriend from time to time, but just like Daisy, she always ended up going back to the other two. That was good; it gave Theodore the opportunity to be with the two people here who made him feel normal.
Laith came back looking exactly the same, only his hair was nicer and he no longer smelled of beer and cigarette smoke; amber and aged spice surrounded him completely. He downed three martinis like they were water, somehow involved in both conversations at the same time, a key contributor to every topic. It was amazing how masterfully he did that. He bridged the gap between the two groups, standing just across the counter from Theodore, near Daisy and the others. Neither group had gripes with him and both wanted to speak to him, so he split his attention in two. Hannah was the most surprising turnaround of them all; if this little get-together had happened last week, she would’ve never gotten close to him. Now, she shoved him playfully on the arm and laughed at his jokes as if they were old friends. Theodore would’ve never predicted it.
By the time his mom called, he was already drunk. He felt the call before hearing it, a vibration on his leg. When he saw the caller ID, a wide smirk cut through his face—this was it, proof of the lie he’d told yesterday. Now she’d see him partying with the ones she trusted. He didn’t even bother turning the music down or going to a different room; his thumb simply slid across the screen, hand coming up to his face. “Hey, mom.”
Only the three people closest to him heard that. Laith and Justin just held the stare wide-eyed while Nadia told Daisy to turn the music down.
“Hey, sweetheart. By the sounds of it, you’ve started early.”
“Yeah, might as well. I mean, it’s the weekend.”
At this point, the entire room had gone silent, watching him. Music played quietly in the background, barely audible. Even the three girls who were still upset at him showed interest in this call; they knew how strict his parents were, not unlike their own. They’d complained about it multiple times together.
“Where are you?” Her question was innocent, but he knew what it meant.
“I’m home with the girls. Do you want me to turn on the camera and show you? I promise Justin isn’t here,” he spoke that last part while staring at his friend.
“Oh, that’s not necessary.”
He knew she’d say that, and what she really meant was for him to do it anyway; she was just too classy to admit it. So, he pulled his phone away from his ear and pointed it at the crowd. Both Justin and Laith ducked under the counter before he pressed the camera button. As soon as his friends showed on the video feed, they all waved and greeted Mrs. Pierce.
“Hey, girls. I’m sorry for interrupting; you can go back to your celebrations now. Theodore and I will only be a minute.”
He switched to the frontal camera so his mother would see the look on his face, drunkenly smug. Carolyn didn’t even flinch. The only acknowledgement she gave him was an involuntary quirk of the brow.
“I’m happy you’ve kept your word. You’re finally falling back in line.”
“What happened was just a hiccup, mom. You know I’m not crazy.”
“Oh, I know. It’s just nice to see you back to your senses. I’ll get you some more Prozac this week.”
“It wasn’t the Prozac.”
“Yes, it was. That’s what it does.”
Now that she brought it up, he didn’t actually know what it did. Did it help him think better, make his thoughts clearer? He didn’t feel any different. Then again, he’d only taken a couple; it must take a few more for him to notice any effects. Not to mention he’d slept right through it.
Parallel conversations slowly picked up as he spoke to his mother, whispered between the three girls across from him. Justin and Laith remained hidden. He could see a blur in his peripherals where Nadia stood, but was unable to tell what she did. He’d have to turn around and actually look at her for that.
“My offer still stands, you know,” Carolyn continued. “If you’d like to bring your friends over, I’ll pick you up. We have more room here. I don’t know if you noticed the staff this morning, but they’ve cleaned up the sunroom beautifully.”
“Yeah, I noticed. I don’t know what we’re doing yet. We might go out later and hook up with guys all night.” The only reason he said that was for her reaction. Her lips pursed, eyelids drooping as one of her eyebrows raised with skepticism. She didn’t like that, and as usual, thought he was joking.
“How are you doing that exactly?” she asked. “I thought you were too frightened to confront Shark.”
“Is he working weekends?”
If he remembered correctly, Laith’s check-ups were supposed to be random, not every night. Then again, a seven-day work week was probably what his father had agreed to in private. The talk they’d had at the gas station was only supposed to scare him off, not inform him of much.
“Of course he is,” his mother clarified. “Fridays and weekends are exactly when he needs to be there.”
“Do you think he’d be interested in me? He’s kinda cute.”
Nadia slapped a hand over her mouth. Her reaction was so sudden that it pulled his attention for a moment, head turning to see it. His comment also prompted Laith to peek out from behind the counter, green eyes squinting up at him. Theodore grinned—so they were all listening.
“Your jokes aren’t funny,” Carolyn cut in. “What you just said is very upsetting, Theodore. I can already feel the beginnings of a headache forming. This is the first one since your brother left, you know. I thought I was done with them.”
“I didn’t mean to upset you, mom. I just think he’s hot.”
“Surely, you don’t mean that either. He’s a criminal who lives in the sewers; what part of that could possibly attract you?”
“He doesn’t live in the sewer and I don’t think he’s a criminal. If he is, then dad is probably one too, since they work together.”
“Where is this sarcasm coming from? You’re quite different when you drink. To think you were crying in my arms just last night.” She sucked her teeth. “What’s going on with you? Defiance is never a good look.”
“I just think I should be able to flirt with whomever I want, mom. Even if he is a criminal or whatever, he can’t hurt me, so it’s fine.”
“Yes, he very well can and probably will too. Are you willing to run the risk?”
“He’d only hurt me if you let him do it. Dad pays him far too well for the easiest job in the world; he’d have to be an idiot to ruin that.”
“How would you know what your father pays him? Have you asked the man yourself?”
That question turned his blood ice cold. It sobered him up right away, eyebrows high on his forehead—shit. His eyes found Laith’s just over the edge of the counter, staring straight back at him. Laith shook his head, a sign for him to stop playing with fire and change the subject, but he couldn’t even think of how to do that; his brain had short-circuited.
Luckily, his mother’s comment wasn’t serious, but an illustration of how wild their conversation had become. She hadn’t actually meant that. In her mind, the shock on Theodore’s face must be from the insanity of her comment, because she took it perfectly in stride, as if expecting it.
“There are hundreds of nice boys on campus that come from a good background and loving families,” she continued. “If you must be with a man, then at least choose someone who understands you. Ideally, someone shorter and weaker than you, just in case.”
“Just in case what? He tries to kill me?”
“It’s only a suggestion. Shark is far too dangerous for you.”
“Because he’s bigger than me?”
“Because he has nothing to lose.”
“Yes, he does. You forget that if something happens to me, he loses his entire fucking livelihood!”
“Theodore, language.”
“Listen,” he basically cut her off, “when he gets here tonight, I’ll bring him up and talk—just talk. If he’s not interested, I’ll never speak to him again, okay? You have to let me give this a shot.”
Laith shook his head again, still wide-eyed and scared. This definitely seemed like a bad idea at first glance, but Theodore had a plan. If he made his parents think that they’d brought Laith into his life, then a relationship with the guy would only be the result of his parents’ actions. It’d be their fault, therefore, they couldn’t be mad at him. It was fool proof. They would only have themselves to blame.
“Why does it have to be him?” she asked.
“Because you put him on my doorstep. If you didn’t want me to ask him out, you wouldn’t have chosen someone so hot.”
“I didn’t put him there for that.”
“Did you really not account for this?” His tone was almost mocking. “You’ve known about me forever, mom. The idea must’ve at least crossed your mind.”
She shook her head. Even though that was the only reaction she allowed him to see, he knew she was fuming; it was in the aggression of her movement, in the tone of her voice, too restrained as she tried to keep vexation out. It didn’t work. “It was your father who chose him, not me. I’ve never even seen him.”
“Well, dad has great taste.”
She breathed out slowly. “Theodore, if he lays a finger on you, you’ll never see him again.”
“Deal.”
She stared at him. Then, her shoulders relaxed, body leaning away from the phone. “Deal,” she repeated.
Pressing the button to end the call, his attention naturally focused back on Laith and the hand that covered his forehead; fingertips on his hairline, thumb on his temple. He watched Theodore like he couldn’t believe what he’d just heard. “What the hell are you doing?” Laith practically whispered, struck with shock. His eyes were so wide that he looked crazy.
“Don’t worry,” Theodore reassured him. “I have a plan.”
“What… plan?”
Before he could answer, Justin sprung up from behind the counter and spoke first. “That’s so fucked up!” Justin talked while resuming his seat. “Why are you blaming your mom for something that’s not her fault?”
“It’s the only way this can work,” he explained. “They’d never let me be with Laith otherwise.”
“Don’t you feel bad?”
“No.”
“How do you even know it’ll work?” Laith asked. He slowly got up on his feet, hands supporting part of his weight on the counter. “How do you know she won’t make me disappear regardless of what you tell her?”
“Because if I say I like you and you make me happy, my parents won’t take you away from me.”
“They will if they think it’s the right thing to do.”
“No. They’re terrified I’ll hurt myself, remember?”
“Wait, what?”
“What do you mean?”
Both Justin and Nadia spoke over each other, confused.
“It’s a whole thing; they think I’m on the brink or whatever. It’s fine, though. My dad’s been very lenient since; I know he won’t take Laith away if he knows how much I care about him. Tomorrow, I’ll tell them…” His mind whirred. “I’ll tell them you came up and we talked all night. You met my friends, we had a few drinks and talked about ourselves. I’ll say I really liked you and that I think we’re on the way to becoming good friends. Yeah… I think that’ll work.”
“Hold on,” Nadia spoke again. “Why do you need to lie about this?”
“Because if I tell them I met Laith through Ryan, I’ll get in trouble—we both will. It’s a house of cards that we’ve been building before I even realized it. I want them to know how I feel about him without losing them in the process. If I tell the truth, they’ll…” he trailed off.
“I know you didn’t have much choice in the beginning,” Justin jumped in. “That you kind of had to go along with things, but… it feels like what you’re doing now is pretty premeditated. You want your parents to know stuff about you, but then you lie to them? How does that work?”
“I don’t want them to know everything about me, just the important stuff. I want them to like me more than anything. I want them to have good things to say about me when they meet up with their friends. They’ll know a version of the truth that makes me look good. When that’s done, I’ll stop lying.”
“That’s a pretty hefty lie, dude. It might be tough to get out of it.”
“I’ll never get out of it; it’ll become the new truth. This is going to be how we met. Everything else is just for us to know.”
“Man… you gotta be careful with that. You’re playing a dangerous game here.” While Justin clearly didn’t agree with this, the soft tone of his voice coupled with the crease between his brows showed how much it worried him, how much he cared for Theodore’s safety. He seemed just as scared of the cards tumbling down.
“It’ll be okay,” Theodore reassured him. “I have it all thought out.”
“You… want your parents to know about us,” Laith cut in, distant, buried in his own thoughts. It didn’t look like he’d been listening.
“Yes. Everything I’m doing is so they’ll get to know me better, and since you’re an important part of my life, I want them to know about it.”
“Was it very scary to tell?” Nadia asked.
“Wait. Sorry.” The apology seemed to come as an afterthought as Justin held out a hand in Nadia’s direction. Then, he turned to address the rest to Theodore. “Do you really need to do this? I mean, you have a support system, dude. Laith and I will always be here for you and I’m pretty sure all the girls will too. You could totally just come clean instead of playing this risky game for the rest of your life, because if it doesn’t go well, we’ll be here. You have us.”
“I’m not losing my parents,” Theodore deadpanned. “That’s not an option. They’re going to accept me and they’re going to accept Laith too. Nothing about us has to change.”
His friends both stared at him while Laith remained lost in his own mind, eyes downcast, not really looking at anything.
“Okay.” Justin’s voice was so small Theodore could barely hear it. “That’s—that’s your choice; I just want you to know you’ll be safe anyway.”
Resuming his seat across from Theodore, Laith rested both arms on the counter, hands together; a fist enveloped by a palm. He didn’t look particularly excited about Theodore’s plan. Was he worried about getting in trouble or did he simply not want Theodore’s parents to know about him? Asking would make no difference because that wasn’t for him to decide; Theodore was going to tell and that was that. No one could change his mind about this.
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