Into the tunnels?
Come here and go get with me
I wanna see you Wednesday
Come on, come on, come over
Take it off your shoulder
-- The Strokes, Welcome to Japan
The following day hit him with the cold realization that he’d drunkenly called his mother the night before asking for advice. That was immediately repressed alongside most of his early childhood. He was an expert at this point, unburdened by the memories he didn’t wish to relive. Luckily, last night had only given him the one, since the whole arrangement with Laith had gone exceptionally well, or at least, that was how he felt about it. Despite his lack of experience, which he should definitely talk to someone about, Laith still seemed to have enjoyed himself, so he considered it a win. They hadn’t really seen each other eye-to-eye by the end of it, but at this point, pissing Laith off before driving him away was Theodore’s signature move. He only wasn’t worried about it, because if Laith had managed to forgive him the first time, then he could do it again.
Each passing day, the girls eyed him more expectantly than the last, hoping he’d overshare his latest encounter, like he’d done the first time. Desperate to find help, he’d almost even considered it. His friends had all slept with men before, so they at least had some insight on how to do it, but the obstacles of talking to them were far too many. For one, they had no idea who Laith was, what Theodore had already done with him, what he wanted to do next, and if he brought any of it up, they’d think he was gay. His breakdown had probably already cemented that idea anyway and the fact that he’d never gotten with a girl—really gotten with a girl didn’t help. Obviously, the thing with Jessie didn’t count and the kiss with Daisy had barely even happened. Those had been isolated events.
To clear up any misunderstanding, he could totally just hook up with the first girl at the next party, making sure every one of his friends saw him do it, but the thought alone was so anxiety-inducing that he almost threw up. He had no moves, no pickup lines, no swagger, nothing. He could just tell them he wasn’t gay, but then, when was there ever an appropriate time for that? Coming out as straight wasn’t a thing.
As soon as that word came to mind, he immediately remembered how hard he’d sucked Laith off and how much he’d enjoyed it. Oh my god, he wasn’t straight at all. If it were just Laith, he could see it as an exception, but it wasn’t; he was attracted to his friends’ dads as well as men that he didn’t even know, strangers on the street and strangers on a screen.
While he didn’t think about women very much, he had no qualms with the possibility of getting with one in real life. That alone didn’t make him gay. He’d easily sleep with any of them, but when it came to men, apprehension seized his pulse. There was an inherent distrust there that he just couldn’t shake. He trusted Laith because he knew Laith wouldn’t do anything he didn’t want him to, as evidenced by their first time together, but he couldn’t say the same about men he didn’t know. What did that make him?
When Wednesday rolled up, he was almost calm. He’d obsessed so much over it that, by the time it actually arrived, he was pretty much burned out. Still excited, but with a layer of exhaustion over it. He got dressed up and told the girls he’d be back later, no explanations. They didn’t have to ask for one; the look on their faces told him they already knew. He left without dinner, not up to risk throwing it up later.
This whole time, he’d been under the impression that Cantaloupe was just up the street, but that quickly turned out to be incorrect. A handful of people hung around that entrance, smoking and talking to each other—he didn’t think Laith would meet up with him somewhere so crowded. There were no immediate signs that he could find, nothing with this station’s name on it, but then again, he didn’t stick around to look for it. Afraid of getting singled out and ogled by the crowd, he hid into the first alleyway available.
Chagrin set fire to his cheeks as he pulled up a map of the long-abandoned subway blueprint, looking for the entrances. It’d been cancelled so early into development that most of them didn’t even have names. Luckily, Cantaloupe was one of the old ones, three blocks away from his apartment, towards Ryan’s. Ugh, why did it have to be that one? The walk wasn’t very long, but it still made him late to their appointment.
This time, instead of walking straight into the crowd, he stopped at the last corner and peeked around it. A very similar sight welcomed him again, except this place was even more crowded than the last and the rats that surrounded it dressed even more extravagantly. Actually, they dressed a lot like Laith and his friends, in ripped up clothes and dark makeup. Theodore watched them very closely, looking for the only face that mattered.
People came and went, yet nothing of Laith. The clock read nine, then nine-thirty, then ten. Where the hell was he? Just as the thought crossed Theodore’s mind, he realized that Laith was probably waiting for him downstairs. He’d said that he would go down for him, but would Laith actually make him do it? A knot closed around his throat and squeezed it.
He couldn’t do this. His first instinct was to come up to Laith and tell him that he wouldn’t make it, so Laith wouldn’t wait forever, but that was obviously impossible. The fact that he didn’t have Laith’s number made this a lot more difficult than it needed to be. Emily came to mind, the only contact on his phone who knew him. If they happened to be together, she could give him the message, and if not, then she could at least text him. Outright asking for his number would be far too incriminating, but depending on how the conversation went, he might not even need to. With his heart in his mouth, he tapped on the call button. During the fifteen seconds that it took her to answer, he considered hanging up twice.
“Hey, dude. How did you know I was thinking about you?”
Her voice was nice and even. The quietness of the room she was in meant it was most likely not the Dead Ponies, though. His heart sank.
“Telepathy. What does it mean when two people think of each other at the same time?”
“I don’t know what it means, but I know an airplane crashes.”
“Oh, shit.”
She scoffed out a laugh. “I realized I never asked you what you needed me for. I had so much going on when you texted that I completely forgot I was supposed to be helping you with something, so what is it?”
His lips parted out of instinct—should he say it? Obviously not, but the opportunity was almost too enticing to turn down. Not doing it went against every fiber of his being. “It’s not your fault; I was just curious about something, but I already forgot what that was. I’m sure it wasn’t important.”
“Was it about the DP?”
“Probably.” His mind whirred. “Are you guys going there on Friday?”
“Justin and I are actually going to the farm. He’s throwing a party on Saturday, so I volunteered to help with the preparations. Laith and Ryan might be there, though. I don’t know.”
“Did Laith show up last week?”
“Yeah. He said he wasn’t hanging out with anyone, but I don’t believe him for a second. He’s a terrible liar, always been.”
His pulse faltered, mouth dry.
“You know, a few weeks ago, he had hickeys up and down his neck, like he’d just come back from an orgy, so maybe he’s seeing someone.”
Oh god, he was going to pass out; his knees almost gave, back leaning against the wall.
“It’s weird because he’s never kept them a secret from me. I wonder if…” She trailed off, going quiet as the world slowly slipped away from under his feet. “He’s lucky Ryan didn’t see them.”
“Why?”
“You know why. Every little thing is an excuse.”
“Isn’t he… there right now?” Breath slowly came back to him, pulse reaching for normalcy. “You live together.”
“He’s out with Sherry, so don’t worry; he’s not listening to this.”
“Is that his new girlfriend?”
“Yeah.” The awkwardness in her tone was palpable.
“If he has someone, then why the fuck would he care about what Laith does?”
“You know how he is. Things between them are complicated, to say the least.”
Frustration grew in his chest. If Ryan happened to walk by right now, he’d deck him right in the face, no questions asked.
“Do you know where Laith is?” he asked.
The fact that she didn’t answer right away allowed for a moment of reflection. He soon realized just how telling that question really was.
“Do you have a crush on him, Theo?”
“Yes.” That answer flew past his lips before he could even think about it. Fuck it; the truth was out. It still didn’t place him in Laith’s lap last week, or three weeks ago. Emily’s laughter was proof of that.
“That’s adorable. You’re the cutest.”
“He gave me your number at the camping trip, by the way. I was trying to get his number, but it didn’t work.”
One good lie to tug on her heartstrings. The image of a hopeless romantic who’d never even stood a chance was the perfect weapon to get what he needed. He could picture her big Cheshire grin, carefully outlined in black.
“You two really bonded on that trip. I hope he didn’t give you any false hope, though.”
“I think he gave me just enough.”
She scoffed. “He’s trouble, you know.”
“I like that about him.”
“I’m serious, Theo; you should find someone who’s good for you. I love Laith with my entire heart, but I know he’s a bad influence on you.”
Funny how a lifetime of knowing one another had still kept her out of Laith’s very core. Either that, or she just had no idea who Theodore was, since he strongly believed he was a much worse influence on Laith than the other way around. If she’d been there last week, she would’ve agreed.
“You deserve a good guy, you know. Someone who wears polo shirts and boat shoes and will probably grow up to play golf with your parents on the weekends.”
“I’ve never worn boat shoes and my parents don’t golf. Laith isn’t that bad.”
“That’s what everyone thinks, but if you really wanna go for it, I can’t stop you. Just know that he’s all play and no commitment, perfect if you’re going for a good time, not if you’re looking for something else.”
Yeah, he knew that already, though it’d never stopped him from pursuing anything. He wanted Laith around, so they could talk and keep doing what they’d been doing, but a relationship was something else completely, uncharted territory. What they had so far was fine; the rules were simple—he could do whatever he wanted, making them up as he went—and the repercussions were none, since he’d never faced any. At this point, he was pretty confident that that wouldn’t change. If Laith kept coming back, then there was no reason to want to tie him down.
“I’m not looking for anything specific,” he confessed. “I just like him.”
“Well, if you want some advice, then don’t pursue this feeling; it’ll pass. Laith is complicated, emotionally unavailable, probably already seeing someone and constantly on Ryan’s radar. Choosing to get yourself involved in any of this has to be the stupidest thing you could do.”
He’d never claimed to be very bright, after all.
“You just said he’s noncommittal; how could he be seeing someone?” Theodore asked.
That was the definition of a bait question and she fell for it beautifully.
“That’s what I’d like to know, but he’s been dodging all my questions… maybe I should press him harder.”
“I think so too.”
A mischievous smirk tugged on the corner of his lips, delighted at the promise of future chaos. He knew Laith would never rat him out, and having successfully led Emily away from his trail, the confrontation that followed would be Laith’s problem alone. He might even hear about it later on. Would Laith be able to trace it back to him? The possibility quickened his pulse with excitement.
This late into the evening, it was clear that Laith wouldn’t be coming up to see him. He’d said so last week, and as it always went with him, his word was kept—Theodore would have to go down.
After hanging up, he peeked around the corner again, only to see Cantaloupe still crowded with rats. Looking nothing like them, his mere presence would be enough to draw attention, the bad kind that would definitely discourage him from going in. If he even could, which he couldn’t. He’d never even managed to go into an abandoned entrance before; what would make him believe he’d be able to go into a populated one?
That brought forth a different question that he’d wondered about not too long ago—why this one? Parkside was closest to his apartment, not Cantaloupe. In fact, Cantaloupe was en route to Ryan’s place, two blocks away from the running track. He could point that out all day, but failed to draw any conclusions. God, why couldn’t they just meet at Parkside?
The walk of shame back home added twelve tons over his shoulders.
Saying that he felt awful was an understatement. If he had any means of communication with Laith, he would’ve been able to either get him to come up or tell him he wouldn’t be going down. As it was, he’d been forced to stand him up.
The next couple of days were spent torturing himself over his own shortcomings. How long had Laith waited for him?
“What’s going on with you?” Despite the bite in Jessie’s tone, he knew the question had come from a place of genuine concern. “And don’t brush me off this time; I’m tired of it. You’re clearly going through something, so what is it? Does it have to do with your brother’s friend?”
Right, he forgot he’d introduced Laith as Ryan’s friend. What a kick in the balls. Slumped over the kitchen counter, he shrugged. His arm lay on the granite, bent at the elbow, hand buried into his own hair. It’d been getting pretty long, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. The longer it got, the more it reminded him of Laith, just as messy. Had he been subconsciously mimicking Laith this whole time? What was he, twelve? How embarrassing.
Jessie stood right where Laith had been a week ago, kissing him over the counter. His eyes closed with the memory, hand dragging down his forehead to cover his own face. God.
“Theo, I’m worried about you. You’re not usually this sad,” she continued. “Tell me what he did.”
“It’s not what he did; it’s what I did.”
“Okay, then what did you do?”
“It’s stupid.”
“Just tell me.”
“I stood him up and I feel bad about it. That’s it.”
His hand moved away from his eyes, dropping over the counter. Jessie watched him with a slight scowl on her face.
“I told you it was stupid,” he added.
“No, that can’t be it; there has to be more to it. No one gets that upset about missing an appointment.”
Laith probably would, if he’d ever missed one. That brought back the question of how long he’d waited around, hoping that a burst of courage would bring Theodore down.
“I don’t know; it’s pretty crushing to me. He must’ve been waiting for hours.”
“I’m assuming you texted him.”
“I did not. He’s weird and refuses to give me his number. It’s all a game.”
Her eyes sharpened, scowl deepening. “What’s going on between you guys? Are you… dating?”
“We’re just friends.”
That answer was as sincere as he could make it, because that was really all they were. Not good friends and not friends with benefits either, just two people who hooked up first and hung out later. It couldn’t be that unheard of.
“I wanna meet him.” Her tone was stern and far more demanding than he’d ever heard it. “Invite him to Streisand’s tonight.”
“I’m not doing that, and even if I were, I told you I can’t text him.”
“I’m sure you at least know the places he goes to. We could find him there.”
“Sure, we could. We could also find my brother and change the course of our lives forever, so really, when you put it all on a scale, how important is it that we invite him to Streisand’s?”
Her eyebrows bounced. “Oh, I didn’t know Ryan was…”
“Yeah, I didn’t want to believe it either.”
Jessie fell silent, manicured nails clicking against the granite. “Are you sure he’s not dangerous?” Her blue eyes found his, eyebrows drawn back together.
He knew what she wanted to hear, but decided against saying it. “I’ll never be sure of that. He could be committing terrible crimes as we speak.”
“You’d have to be an idiot to hang out with a criminal.”
“I don’t know; maybe I’m in on it. Maybe I’m a criminal too; I keep quiet and he gives me a cut.”
“If that’s the case, then you’re terrible at it. Theo, I know you’re upset; I’m just trying to help here. Why won’t you let me?”
“Not everyone will let you know them, Jessica. Sometimes you’ll be kept at arm’s length forever, and it’s infuriating, but there’s nothing you can do about it. Just get over it.”
Her eyebrows furrowed, lips pursed. “I’m sorry you can’t trust me.” The genuine disappointment in her voice cut through him. “Get ready soon; we’ll be leaving at nine.”
Of course they were.
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