Two of a kind
Now I'm going down and set 57th Street on fire to keep you warm.
-- 1956 love letter from James Schuyler to John Button
As soon as his father’s car disappeared around the first corner, he turned to glance at Laith. His arms moved out of frustration, palms up in the air. “What the fuck was that?”
Laith’s shoulders raised in a prolonged shrug, eyes off in the distance. “Your dad’s sick. He’s been on a witch hunt down there, you know. He called me in to spy on Ryan, then persecuted the hell out of Justin ‘cause he invited you to the farm, and now this, a fucking babysitting service. He’s on you, bro.” Laith swallowed, Adam’s apple bobbing. “We’re fucked.”
Were they, though?
“How much does he know?”
“He knows you’re friends with Justin and that you smoke weed, which, by the way, isn’t even something you do. Like, actually do. I guess a couple times is just as bad to him, though.”
Laith’s comment brought the baggie to mind, the lighter he’d found in Cantaloupe, the paper he’d used to roll himself a joint and the very first one he’d gotten from Justin. Not to mention every class he’d watched while incredibly high this week. His father had a point—this was much worse than anybody knew—but he still didn’t think it was so bad. It just wasn’t as inconsequential as Laith made it out to be.
“So he doesn’t really know anything,” Theodore concluded.
“He knows you’re not a saint.”
“Which is nothing. I’m still redeemable; I still have a chance—that’s what matters. I’m getting a car too. That’s kind of the whole point.”
“It’s just a matter of time until he gets to me.”
“How?” His shoulders raised, palm up. “You’re his source of information. If you don’t tell him anything, he won’t know anything. Also, did you hear the part where I’m getting a car?”
Laith sighed, shoulders sagging. There was something incredibly defeatist about him tonight. “Congrats, dude. That’s great.”
“I’m thinking about running away.”
Their eyes met.
“Straight-up?”
“Yeah. I don’t know where I’m gonna go, but I know it won’t be here. Maybe—maybe I’ll drive down to California.”
“Nah, that’s too obvious. Nevada and Arizona are safer bets.”
“You’re probably right. I just—I don’t think I can take this for much longer. It’s…” His mind went back to the knife in his mother’s kitchen, the violent glint on the blade, his grip on the handle. “It’s been hard.”
A light breeze swept the street, ruffling his hair a bit. The sky was entirely black at this hour, stars hidden behind thick clouds.
“It gets better, though. Things aren’t gonna be this way forever.”
“I have expectations put on me. I have an entire career plan laid out; a whole life planned out in front of me, except…” He shrugged. “I didn’t get to decide any of it. I don’t wanna work for my dad and I don’t wanna marry my mom’s neighbor. I don’t even think I want kids! I just—I don’t think I can tell them what I actually want.”
“What’s that?”
They held the stare. That question sent his heart flying into the roof of his mouth, hands squeezed into fists.
“I don’t want what they want for me.” That was the best he could do.
“Dude, you’re gonna have to have that conversation at some point. Yeah, you could get your car and run away, but if you do that, you’ll spend the rest of your life wondering what would’ve happened. You’ll never get closure.”
“I know what would happen.”
“No, you don’t. Parents can be very surprising, and judging how much your dad cares about you, things might take a different turn. Compromises are possible. You’re young too; you might change your mind about everything tomorrow.”
“I can’t change who I’m attracted to.”
“No, but you might end up liking the life your parents have planned out for you, even if for that you’ll need to tweak a few things. You don’t need to run away.”
“Is that what you did?”
“I didn’t have anything planned out that way, just the societal expectations that everyone has to live with.” None of which Laith had probably fulfilled, considering everything Theodore knew about him.
“At least you have a job that you like.”
“It’s not one my parents approve of, though. Like I said, this stuff is a compromise; I don’t have a job that they endorse, but I have a job. You might end up choosing a different career path, but you’ll have a career. It’s kind of like that.”
“What do you do?” That question flew past his mouth. In truth, it’d been marinating in the back of his mind for so long that finally saying it felt like wrapping up a year-long project. “I mean, you work for Burman and for my dad and everyone down there kinda hates you. At least, that’s the vibe I get. They call you a thug; my dad said you crush skulls for a living. What’s going on?”
Laith scoffed out what was probably going to be a laugh that never actually formed. Partially hidden behind a mask, his face was a mystery; it was impossible to tell whether there was a smile there or not. “Man, I’m just a debt collector; it’s really not that glamorous. I pick up Burman’s money and give it back to her. Some days are just harder than others.”
“The way you talk about it, you make it sound like every day is life or death.”
“Sometimes it is. It depends if your dad’s there.”
“Isn’t he always there?”
“Not always.”
Voices echoed from across the front yard, familiar ones that ruined the perfect rhythm of his pulse. His watch read five minutes to nine—the girls must be coming down. Trying to keep his composure, he took Laith’s arm and started for the corner. “The girls are here.”
At this point, lying about that was simply fruitless; Laith had already figured him out. He didn’t follow Theodore very willingly though, hesitant to duck out of sight. Two steps were taken, but overall, he lingered in front of the building. “Why don’t you want me to meet your friends?” His question was very genuine, quiet in the silence that permeated the streets. It almost broke Theodore’s heart, but on the verge of panicking, he couldn’t exactly focus on it.
“You wouldn’t get along,” he spoke quickly, pulling Laith toward the corner. Two more steps were conquered. “You guys are way too different.”
“You’re judging them the way we judge you. The way you hate to be judged.”
“The difference is that I know them.”
Begrudgingly, Laith trudged down the sidewalk and rounded the corner. That put things in motion right on time. Focused on their concealment, without averting his eyes for a single moment, Theodore pushed him against the wall and held still.
The girls’ voices grew closer, louder as they approached the gate—Theodore peeked around the corner to keep an eye on them. Conversing leisurely, they walked out and crossed the street, probably on the way to one of the house parties in that area, nearest the campus.
When they disappeared around the next block, a breath left Theodore’s lungs, shoulders relaxing. It was only then that he noticed his palm pressed against Laith’s chest and his entire body shoved in Laith’s personal space. He promptly took a step back, all contact ceased. His heart jumped into his throat.
“They want to meet you,” he commented, caught in his own embarrassment. If he kept talking, it’d redirect Laith’s focus to the conversation. “They said I had to introduce them to the next person I met up with, but I obviously didn’t do that. They’re always asleep, anyway; it’s not like I’d wake them up just for that.”
“Who did you see this week?”
“Everyone but you.”
In a move specifically tailored to send a message, he walked back to the front of the building without waiting for Laith or even looking back. The entire time, all he could think of was if Laith had followed or just left, but he refused to betray himself and break the façade. Instead, he slowed down and listened. Laith was very heavy-footed, so it was easy to hear his footsteps trailing behind, even if he was a few feet back. Breathing in deep, Theodore approached the gate, and from inside his cabin, the doorman buzzed the lock open.
“Are you coming up?” he spoke before turning to look at Laith.
As soon as their eyes met, Laith stopped walking, six feet away from him. “Who’s everyone?”
“Why don’t we have that conversation upstairs?” He walked into the front yard and held the gate open.
Green eyes squinted. They glanced across the yard first, then up the building itself, suspicious yet pensive. “Was it Justin?”
“I don’t know.”
They held the stare. Reluctantly, Laith walked over.
***
“We met up on Wednesday, I think. My sleeping schedule is all backwards, so it’s hard to know for sure.” He kept his voice quiet in the elevator, back resting against the mirror. “We hung out all night. It was nice.”
“Are you talking about Justin?”
“Yeah.”
“Couldn’t have been Wednesday. That’s when I saw him.”
“Then it was Tuesday. He cancelled on me after. Now I know why.”
Once the display changed to number six, the elevator elegantly halted and opened its doors. Laith walked out first.
“What were you guys doing? Talking to my dad?” Theodore asked, towing along.
“Yeah, actually.”
“Is that when Justin told on me?”
“He said a lot less than he could have.”
Inside the apartment, he flicked one of the lights on, above the dining table. His shoulders shrugged his coat off as the door clicked behind him, closed by Laith. That handful of actions together triggered a brief memory, his entrance in Hwan’s apartment, except there was only one person with him now—the one who mattered. The one who should’ve been there the first time around, in the scenario he’d wanted from the very beginning. His chest grew warm.
With his coat on the hanger, he turned to see Laith leaning against the door, hands deep in his pockets. Every time their eyes met tonight, green ones had found him first. He could get used to it.
“You said I shouldn’t run away but failed to mention how to go about telling them.”
“My best advice is to only open that can of worms when you have someone to help you do it. A real, long-lasting relationship.”
His head moved in a slow nod. A long-lasting relationship, huh. Someone he’d been seeing for a while, maybe? Who he trusted with his life, who’d already done this in the past? He took a step closer, eyes glued on Laith’s face. “Except that’s not what you did.”
“I didn’t get a chance to—my sister told them—which is why getting to the forefront of this is so important.”
Oh, god. The weight of that knitted his eyebrows together, heart hanging precariously over the pit. That wasn’t fair at all. “I’m sorry.”
Laith shrugged. “I just don’t think you should chicken out before knowing what you’re working with. Sometimes, it’s manageable and you don’t have to lose your family. Sometimes, it isn’t. At least find out before you leave.”
The mere thought of coming out froze his body from the inside out, but somebody else doing it for him was a much worse alternative. Ryan immediately came to mind, even if chances of him outing his little brother were pretty much none, considering he didn’t even speak to their parents anymore. Not to mention the same could be done to him right back.
“You could come to Cali with me.” The invitation left him straight from the heart. “We’ll visit Santa Monica and ride the Ferris wheel together. I bet it’s as big as the one in Seattle.”
The corners of Laith’s lips curled into the smallest smile he’d ever seen, mask back in his pocket. “How are you gonna afford that?”
“Oh, tickets can’t be that expensive. Ten dollars at most.”
This time, Laith actually smiled, though it only lasted a second. “You know, people don’t just run away like that anymore; they go into the tunnels. That’s the whole reason they turned into what they are today.”
“I don’t belong there, remember?”
“No, but homeless kids do.”
He scowled. “I won’t be homeless; I’ll have a car.”
“That’s not a home. Theo, the reality of running away is that you’ll be starting from scratch. That means sleeping in your car and eating from convenience stores. You don’t know what it’s like to be poor.”
“I’ll get a job.”
“And then what? You’ll suddenly have a home and a fridge full of food? You won’t even be making enough to rent a place. You’ll have no furniture, no appliances and no utilities. I’m not saying you won’t make it; I’m just saying it’s much harder than you think. It’s not just running away.” Laith quoted the air, eyebrows drawn together. “Leaving your old life behind without planning a successful future won’t change things for the better. I know that because I left home too, but I did it on my own terms.”
“How did you do it?”
“I made friends who led me to Burman. I got a job, then a place, then I left. We’re lucky to have her.”
He chewed on the inside of his cheek. “I’m glad that worked out for you, but the problem is that I won’t be running from anything if I move underground. I’ll still be living within my dad’s reach. He could find me in seconds.”
“He really doesn’t have all that power. Burman is the one who calls the shots; he’s just her accountant. His contract gives him access to some dangerous people, yeah, but at the end of the day, everything he does in her playground only ever happens because she lets it happen.”
“Didn’t he hurt you? Didn’t he beat you up?”
“Yeah, and she watched it. I was an idiot; I deserved it. If she thinks his actions are justified, she’ll give him the green light, but you didn’t do anything. There’s no reason for him to chase you down when all you want is to stay away.”
“What if she thinks I deserve it?”
“What did you do to deserve it?”
They held the stare.
“She doesn’t know me; she’ll believe whatever he says. He’ll give her some bullshit excuse for the green light.”
“If you move down, she’s going to know you. At one point or another, she’ll get to you, and anyway, nothing’s stopping you from going to her first.”
Huh.
“Are you…” His eyes squinted jokingly, teasing. “Are you telling me to go down? The guy who has publicly stated that I don’t belong there?”
Laith rolled his eyes. “I’m not telling you to do anything; I don’t even think you should leave home. I’m just saying that if you do, driving all the way to California is a stupid way to move forward. In case you don’t know, your dad can still find you there.”
“I think you wanna be my neighbor.”
His stupid antics succeeded in breaking the tension, pulling a scoffed out laugh from Laith’s throat. “Yeah, right. And have your dad breathing down my neck? I think I’ll pass.”
“Isn’t he doing that already? The only difference is that you’d get to see me anytime you wanted.” His shoulder raised into a half-shrug.
“I can do that now. I already know your address.”
“I’m assuming my apartment is too out of the way for you to actually visit, since you never have.” He cocked his head aside, eyes big on purpose. The emotional appeal worked—Laith had to look away. “Isn’t that it?” he asked.
“That’s…” Laith shook his head.
“What?”
Their eyes met again.
“I’ll be coming over a lot more often now, so it doesn’t really matter, does it?”
“It does if you don’t wanna be here. If you’ve never wanted to be here at all.”
Laith scowled, but there was pain in the crease between his eyebrows, eyes soft with it. No rebuttal came, so Theodore continued.
“I don’t wanna have you around if you don’t wanna come over. I’m tired of chaining you to me just so I can see you, just so I can talk to you. It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to me either. Running after someone who won’t even turn around for me is exhausting. I…” His shoulders raised into a prolonged shrug. “I don’t wanna do that.”
Laith nodded, gaze dropping. “Yeah, that’s not very fair, is it?”
“No, it isn’t.” His heart hammered, breath caught in his throat. This was a very risky move, but at this point, he really didn’t have anything to lose. He’d never had anything in the first place; Laith had never been his to slip through his fingers. It was either this or absolutely nothing at all.
“I can try meeting you halfway.” Laith’s voice was quiet, shoulders moving up a bit. “I can’t promise I’ll be any good at it, but—well.” His head tilted, causing a strand of hair to fall over his forehead. “I’ll do what I gotta do.”
A shit-eating grin almost burst through Theodore’s face, but he managed to hold it back, smiling nicely instead, even if Laith still refused to look at him. “You can’t quit me just as much as I can’t quit you, huh?”
Finally, their eyes met.
“You’re addicted to me too,” Theodore continued, shaping his words around a big grin.
“Honestly?” Dark eyebrows raised, shoulders bouncing. “Yeah. Yeah. I don’t know what you did, but I can’t kick you for the life of me. All I did this week was think about you.”
His eyes tripled in size, heart paralyzed in his chest, lungs flat-lining—what? He could barely believe his own ears. “Are you serious?” His voice floated from a disembodied entity, ears ringing loudly.
“Yeah, I—” Laith shook his head, eyes cast aside. “This is TMI, but I get this, like—this attachment to people and… I’m not gonna tell you it means anything it doesn’t, but yeah, I—I wanna be around you. I’ll meet you halfway; I’ll do whatever I have to. It’s stupid; you’re the worst choice I could ever make and the moment the Crow finds out, he’s gonna put a hit on me, but I just can’t—I can’t stand here and pretend I haven’t thought about this all fucking week. So.” Laith’s hands left their pockets to fling up into the air, vague. “Yeah.”
“You like me.” A smile slowly cut through Theodore’s face. “You like like me.”
“Yeah.” That word was almost a whisper, Laith’s voice soft and low. “I like you a whole lot.”
Theodore grinned so big that his cheeks hurt. Propelled by the beating of his heart, ten times its own size, he closed the distance between them with a hug. His arms squeezed Laith around the waist, face buried into the crook of his neck. When he breathed, tobacco and amber filled his lungs, chest warm with a feeling so precious and pure that it encapsulated this moment in a snow globe, kept forever. Laith moved in his hold, arms wrapping around him in return, much softer, much more delicate than any hug he’d ever received. It was different than the one from last week, on Justin’s dance floor; this one harbored sentiment, a conscious choice. Nuzzling into his hair, Laith held him back.
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