The intervention
I feel so fucking numb
It hits my head and I feel numb
-- Glass Animals, The Other Side Of Paradise
His heart choked him, hands trembling—he felt like an idiot. Why couldn’t he do anything right? At this point, he’d take anything; one single thing, but no. All he was good for was disappointing others, especially the ones he wanted to impress the most. He could punch himself. His eyebrows furrowed, teeth clenched. His parents must already know he had a propensity for failure, which was why they kept such a tight leash on him, turning him into the best version of himself he could be, free of error. Taking into account everything Ryan was, then fucking up must run in the family.
“Emily called me earlier.” Laith’s voice rescued him from the depths of his mind. The lack of emotion in that comment kept him from judging the nature of that call. Then again, if it’d been good, he was pretty sure Laith would’ve projected that. Plus, it was Emily, so yeah, it was probably bad.
Sitting in silence, he watched Laith put a shirt on, black to match his jeans, no tears over the knees this time. He let himself get distracted, taking notice of how dapper Laith looked in those pants, hoping that would help fill his mind with something less upsetting. Still, he failed to ignore the sinking feeling in his chest.
“What did she say?” He tried to sound nonchalant, like the content of that call wasn’t worrying. His eyes dropped as he spoke, hands putting socks on his feet.
“They wanna talk to me. Right now, like as soon as I can get there. They’re waiting for me at her place—all of them.”
Wait.
“Isn’t that what we wanted?” Suddenly, his mind raced. “To have them all in a room so we can talk to them—so I can talk to them. I’m assuming Sherry is gonna be there too.”
“What are they gonna think if you show up when they’re expecting me?”
“I don’t care. It doesn’t matter; this is our chance.”
Laith stared at him, eyebrows pinched the slightest bit together.
“Trust me,” Theodore pushed. Emotion propelled him forward. “I can do it.”
“And if you can’t?”
“Then you’ll go up.”
A long exhale left Laith’s lungs, displeased.
“We’ve talked about this,” Theodore softly continued. “We shook on it. This is exactly what we’ve been waiting for.”
“Doesn’t it strike you as a little too convenient, though? They’re all right where you need them to be.”
“No—an intervention’s been in order since the farm. I’m actually surprised it took this long.”
Laith damn near rolled his eyes. Even if he ultimately stopped himself, it still stabbed Theodore clean through, throat closing—no, not right now. With a scowl on his forehead, he got up from the bed.
“Let’s just go.”
***
The time constraint didn’t allow him to stand around and talk to Laith’s neighbors, but the look on their faces told him everything that went through their minds. Their stares scanned him from head to toe, ending in a squint—they knew exactly what had happened in that shower. While the wet hair had definitely given it away, he had a feeling they would’ve known regardless.
He wished he could spend the day here, in this hallway, telling those women everything they wanted to hear—or maybe everything they didn’t—in favor of all the answers that ate him up inside. They knew who Laith was; they had to. Somebody had to.
He should’ve skipped the shower.
It was difficult to leave the hallway; walking away from them felt like letting something important slip through his fingers, an opportunity unlike any other. It filled him with dread.
He really wanted to be wrong about that.
***
Emily and Ryan lived on the fourth floor, turning right out of the elevator. Laith told him to skip the doorbell and just walk in, since that was what he usually did, thus what the group expected. It definitely seemed strange to simply barge into an apartment Theodore had never been to, but he wasn’t him right now—he was Laith, who’d been here multiple times. Puffing his chest out with his back straight helped him build the confidence necessary to do something like that, at Ryan’s place, no less. It was insane, but he tried not to overthink it.
As soon as the door swung open, conversations reached him, everyone’s voices as clear as day. His heart hammered, hand carefully closing the door. Luckily, no one could see him and vice versa; the entrance hall was small and empty. At the very end was a door, while the left wall opened to what he assumed was where everybody resided, probably the living room.
Before he could move, Emily’s voice rose above the others. “Laith?”
He froze. If she happened to walk over and blow his cover, it’d be much worse than a grand reveal, so this was it. He had to do it. He had to do it now. Without further hesitation, he walked through the archway.
Just as suspected, this was the living room, with a couch against the wall and one door at each side of it. In his current state, he couldn’t bring himself to glance around the rest of the place, fixated on the people who sat on the couch.
The first one he saw was Emily, already up, standing in the middle of the room, clearly on her way to the front door. Her eyes widened with surprise, eyebrows up on her forehead. Behind her, Ryan sat on the couch with Sherry on the arm next to him. He had a combination of shock and anger on his face, while she looked delightfully surprised. The last person in sight was Justin, off to the left, who leaned against the wall by himself, arms crossed over his chest. His eyes were wide, eyebrows up, but other than that, Theodore couldn’t read anything else.
Suddenly, the room was dead silent.
“Oh.” Emily sounded beyond disconcerted. “Theo. We weren’t expecting you.”
“I know; I was with Laith when you called. We thought it’d be better if I came up instead.”
“So you’ve been seeing each other,” Ryan interjected. Before Theodore could rebut that, his brother immediately turned to Justin with a finger pointing at him. “I told you! I fucking told you! They’ve been seeing each other this whole goddamn time!”
In response, Justin simply recoiled closer to the wall. He looked extremely uncomfortable, unable to meet Ryan’s eyes. The way he cowered looked like he was trying to merge with the wall and perhaps disappear.
“No,” Theodore cut in, “this is the first time we’ve met since the farm. This whole week, I didn’t see him at all, but you’re right—we’ve been seeing each other. Not just that, but I’ve been frequenting the tunnels too. I have friends down there, people I met without your help. My life is not so different from yours.”
Ryan stared at him, shocked. He could feel the others staring too, eyes boring into his skull.
“You’re going down?”
“Yeah, and before you blame Laith, he has nothing to do with it; I’ve been going on my own. I’ve wanted to since you started telling me about it. I knew I had to see it for myself, so I did. I’m far more capable than you give me credit for.”
Ryan’s features slowly twisted with disgust. “Well? How do you like it?”
“The tunnels are everything I’ve ever wanted them to be.”
Ryan scoffed. “No, they’re everything I told you they were. They’re my home.”
“You don’t even live there. You think you’re so disenfranchised that you belong with the rats that have nowhere else to go, when in reality, you’re a rich piece of shit just like me. You belong in fucking Crestwood with our parents, idiot. Being adopted doesn’t change that.”
“I’m not fucking adopted,” Ryan spat. Anger burned through his words. “Mom had me first. It’s not my fault Henry came in later and decided to have you. I’m not the one in his will, you are. I’m not getting a single cent, so yeah, I might as well get used to my surroundings, ‘cause that’s where I’ll end up anyway.”
“Bullshit. You’re acting like you didn’t grow up in a suburb and go to one of the best schools in the city. Do you really think not inheriting money later in life makes you the same as a rat who’s never had anything to begin with? You literally have the same opportunities as any other rich white guy around. Stop playing the fucking victim when you’re not one.”
“Oh, I’m playing the victim. I’m just playing, huh. Okay, uh, remind me again how many times you’ve gotten whipped. Right, that’s zero; Henry’s never even laid a hand on you.”
“So you’re oppressed ‘cause your dad beat you when you were young. Are you fucking kidding me?”
“You have no idea what that was like. It ruined my life.”
“No, it didn’t. I know it was horrifying, and I’m sorry you had to go through that, but Ryan, Jesus Christ; you’re acting like someone murdered your entire family and left you in the woods. You’re putting yourself down on purpose.”
Suddenly, Ryan got up. “I don’t have to listen to this. You’re in my apartment, telling me that everything I went through because of you was meaningless. That I should just fucking forget about it and move on. Well, Theo, I’m trying to. I’ve been trying to, but you’re not letting me. Everything I’ve done so far was to get as far away from my old life as possible and carve myself a new one, but you just have to follow me everywhere, don’t you? All I’ve ever wanted was for you to leave me the fuck alone. Now, how’s that my fault?”
His throat closed, dagger slicing it in half. “I’m not going to be in your life if you don’t want me to. I just happen to be friends with people who are also your friends.”
“People who were my friends first. People I fucking introduced you to!”
“Yeah, and? They became my friends out of their own free will. So what? Can’t we have friends in common?”
“That’s not it. You’re in the space I’ve been creating for myself. I need you to get out of it.”
“Okay, that’s not fair,” Emily cut in. She held out a hand, eyebrows drawn together. “We can be friends with both of you. We can be friends with whoever the fuck we want to. We’re not a commodity, Ryan; we’re people you know.”
“You’re the friends I made!”
“So is Theodore. He’s not the issue.”
“No, but god, I’ve carried him all my life! I fucking raised him! I know it’s not his fault and I’m not mad at him, but Jesus, I just need a break!”
“Okay.” Theodore’s throat hurt. “I’ll give you your space, but I’m not giving up on my friends.”
“They’re my friends!”
“Why can’t you both hang out together? What’s the big deal? I thought Laith was the one fucking this up for us.” Emily sounded extremely confused.
“He’s another problem entirely,” Ryan explained. “He doesn’t give a fuck about me. All those warnings we gave him, all those rules we made; we might as well not even have wasted our breath. He ran to Theo the first chance he got. Traitor.” Dark eyes found Theodore’s face next, Ryan’s brows drawn into a scowl. “You can keep him. He’s worthless to me.”
“Don’t say that.” Emily’s voice practically trembled, quiet with fear. “You two are so close.”
“We’re really not. I mean, not anymore. I’m just—I’m just trying to find where I belong, you know? My place in society, surrounded by people who care about me. That’s obviously nowhere near my parents, and Theo—he reminds me of everything I never had. Watching him grow up was so fucking painful ‘cause I didn’t have that. I couldn’t do that.”
Here, Ryan turned to glance at Theodore again.
“I never told you this, but after mom came home with you, she was a completely different person. She was distant, like her eyes were open but she wasn’t there. You were in the bath, underwater, and she just stared at you like—like you were a broken plate, not a baby. It freaked me out. I was so scared and so confused; how come she was just watching you drown? So I pulled you out and shook you until you cried. That sound—Theo, you cried so fucking much. For years, you wouldn’t stop; it drove me insane. I couldn’t stand it. When I look at you, that’s all I think about, how much of a shit job I did at raising you. How that’s what I spent my entire life doing while kids played in the backyard and swam in the pool.” Ryan took a couple of steps back, eyes fixed on his brother’s face. “I need to be away from you. I need to move on from this.”
With that, Ryan walked to one of the doors by the couch and disappeared behind it. The soft click it made against the doorframe held the same emotional impact as if Ryan had slammed it outright. Actually, this felt worse.
Unable to breathe, Theodore just stood there, staring at the door. His body shook from head to toe, trying hard not to fall apart, at the edge of a precipice. Piece by piece, the world around him came undone, eager to bury him in debris—he had to keep it together. He could do it; he knew he could, despite the eyes that burned stares into the sides of his face, witnessing his struggle. That raised the stakes significantly; if he failed, they’d all see it.
His eyes filled with tears, throat shut tight. No. He fought the urge right away, heart beating on the roof of his mouth. Oh god, not now. Please, not now. If he cried, it was over.
Sherry got up from the couch. Her height forced him to stare straight into her face while he kept his eyes up to stop them from leaking. Hopefully, she wouldn’t notice the unshed tears there. If she did, nothing was mentioned. She walked into his personal space and wrapped both arms around him, squeezing him into a hug. That simple act of kindness broke him into a million pieces scattered across the room. He was a cracked porcelain figurine, only held together in that one delicate position. As soon as she touched him, the pieces crumbled. He sobbed, muffled against her skin, heart stabbed a thousand times over. It hurt. Every tear felt like a cut.
Much of what Ryan had said had been expected, yet hearing it from his mouth just how miserable Theodore made him was a sort of pain he’d never experienced before. He thought he’d been prepared for it, that he would’ve been able to handle the confirmation of his suspicions, except this had been a lot worse than he’d ever imagined. He’d already robbed Ryan of his childhood—how much more was he willing to take? His boyfriend, his girlfriend, his friends?
Last weekend came to mind, Ryan crying at the counter, uttering the words what we built—it’s gone. He’d destroyed Ryan’s friendships just like his father had done years prior. He remembered how angry Henry had been that day, calling Ryan’s friends all sorts of names, equating him to the lot of them. Thinking back, that might’ve been when his parents had finally given up on him. That was what the lack of commentary on Ryan really was, why they’d stopped berating him for what he wore, what he did and what he said. In a way, Theodore wasn’t too different than them. After all, he was just as cruel.
Sherry’s comfort was undeserved. She should be following Ryan into the next room over and hugging him instead, the one who needed it most. With a fist squeezing his heart into a pulp, Theodore pulled away from her. His hands promptly rubbed at his eyes and wiped his face clean, still wet, a huge mess. He couldn’t even look at her.
“You should go to him.” A sniffle ate around some of the words, nearly incomprehensible. It was difficult to breathe through his nose. “He needs you more.”
Two fingers touched his chin and tilted his face up, eyes drawn back to her. Sympathy lined the bed of her eyes, caramel like the setting sun, practically gold. It was the kind of look that not only saw him, but opened him up like a book and read every page. Her tenderness was comforting. He desperately wanted her to embrace him again.
“Does he?” she asked.
His lips trembled without an answer.
“None of what he went through was your fault,” she softly continued. “Still, it hurts, doesn’t it? Being related to that kind of wound, unable to mend it.”
The room stood still. Under the touch of her fingers, Theodore could only hold the stare, submerged. Her image trembled.
“We both know Ryan’s going to be okay—he has all of us to look after him—but what about you? Who do you have?”
That question hurt more than anything Ryan could’ve ever said. His eyebrows scowled upwards, tears slipping down his cheeks.
“Who’s really there for you?”
He couldn’t answer.
The hand under his chin moved to his head, drawing it close for a kiss planted right on top of it. “I love you, but you know I can’t be there for you. Justin and Emily might, though. If they can… stick to them. Stick to the ones who love you, who you know will put you first. Stop choosing yourself second.” Her voice was quiet, muffled into his hair.
That last part didn’t seem right. He’d always thought he was extremely selfish, putting his own interests before anybody else’s, shoving his friends and their worries aside, ignoring everything Laith had ever expressed to him, taking his parents and all their privileges for granted. He wasn’t who she thought he was. It was true, however, that when it came to Ryan, the older brother, the loud one in the family, Theodore got lost. It’d always been that way; Ryan had a lot more problems than he did, thus he deserved a lot more of their parents’ attention. At least, that was how Theodore had always seen it.
Perhaps breaking away from Ryan had driven him to overcompensate for all the times he’d come second, and now, he could only come first—to an overwhelming fault. Was it really so bad, then, to want to be friends with Ryan’s friends? He’d never meant to interpose. If anything, what he’d really been looking for was a way for Ryan to like him, to finally let him in. Of course, now he knew that wasn’t possible.
Sherry pulled away to look into his face. “Where do you think you fall amid Laith’s priorities? First or twentieth?”
Unfortunately, he knew the answer to that, but still understood what she’d meant by it. She wanted him to put their involvement into perspective, to compare how much of themselves they each put into it. The point was for him to realize Laith wasn’t matching his efforts, and therefore, didn’t deserve him.
Except he already knew that. He’d known that going into it. Even before making the first move, he knew this wasn’t a level playing field—it was a challenge. That was the whole point, to win Laith over and gain his affection as a prize. He’d never expected Laith to put a single ounce of effort into it. He hadn’t even been one of Laith’s priorities until they’d started seeing each other—he’d carved himself a spot. He’d been climbing up the list with everything he had, and from what he could see, it was working. Just last week, Laith had confessed to wanting to choose him. This afternoon, Laith had taken him to his place. Things were changing. Theodore knew he’d at least made it into the top three by now and that he could make it even higher.
As her questions hung in the air, Sherry left through the same door Ryan had disappeared behind. It probably led to his room. Her exit prompted Justin to venture closer, no longer pushed against the wall, freed from his anxieties. Theodore knew he wasn’t big into confrontation, but the way he’d cowered when Ryan had pointed at him, coupled with his physical distance from everyone brought that to a completely different level. Laith’s certainty that Justin wouldn’t confront the others—not even Emily—made a lot more sense now.
An uncharacteristic awkwardness hung about him, shoulders stiff, hands hidden away in his pockets. It was strange to see him so out of place. “Uh, I hope you know you can count on me. I’ll be there for you.”
Theodore smiled. “I know that. Thank you.”
Justin’s shoulders relaxed, looking like a shrug. He must’ve been really tense. A breath filled up his chest, eyes glancing at Emily next, who still stood by Theodore, just out of sight. Theodore turned to look at her only to find both arms crossed over her chest and dark eyes cast down with thought, introspection written all over her face. That explained her silence.
“Emily?”
Her name caused her to meet Theodore’s eyes first, then Justin’s, only now seeming to take notice of his presence.
“What’s going on?” Theodore asked.
They held the stare for a moment.
“I need to know what’s going on between you and Laith. Did you ask him to date you?”
That call from earlier hit him harder than a bus. It’d been a moment of weakness, a manic episode; it hadn’t meant anything. His cheeks burned with betrayal. “No, I—I was just curious. I wanted to know why he wouldn’t do it, you know, to tell myself it wasn’t my fault. That I wasn’t the problem.” A bold-faced lie. He was good at those.
Emily’s features softened, eyebrows pointing upwards the tiniest little bit. “I gave some thought to it. I pretty much stayed up thinking about it, and—well. I changed my mind; I don’t think you’d hurt him. Actually, I was more worried about you getting hurt than the other way around. I got caught up in everything Ryan had told me about you, how young and innocent you were, inexperienced about life, growing up in a bubble. I thought Laith would hurt you as badly as he’d hurt me, but I was wrong. You’re nothing like what Ryan said you were. You told me that time and time again, going out of your way to show me all you could handle, but I’ll admit it took me a while to see it. Ryan just had me in the palm of his hand.”
Relief released a breath from Theodore’s lungs—was this real? The back and forth with Emily had felt like hitting his head against a brick wall. It’d worn him out to the point of giving up. There was nothing else he could do, nothing else he could say to change her mind. She’d only snapped out of it because of the one who’d brainwashed her in the first place. Ryan was his own undoing.
“You guys talked last night?” Justin glanced between them.
“Yeah.” That was all Emily was willing to say, eyes locked on Theodore’s face. “I just need to know you’re okay,” she continued. “That you were ready for everything you two did together. I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with just to prove a point.”
“I’m not trying to prove anything; this is just who I am.”
She slowly nodded. Her eyes fell into thought again, not really looking at anything. A moment later, she turned to her friend. “Justin, can I have your phone? I need to call him.”
Before he had a chance to comply, Theodore spoke. “Laith’s downstairs.”
Two sets of eyes stared at him.
“Let’s go, then.”
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