Reconciliation
I was so frightened that I became even quieter inside.
For it seemed to me that I was finally going to have to feel.
-- Clarice Lispector, The Passion According to GH
Outside, the first thing Emily did was throw both arms around Laith for a big hug. As the shortest in the group, she pillowed her head on his chest, squeezing his midsection. Surprise petrified him, eyes wide, hands up in the air. First, he glanced down at her, then at the other two that approached soon after. It was clear this behavior wasn’t normal for her, or he would’ve taken it much more naturally.
His eyes questioned both Theodore and Justin, but instead of opening their mouths, they just grinned. A hand plucked the cigarette from Laith’s lips while his free one hugged Emily back, very similarly to how he’d hugged Theodore at the farm, loose and detached. He was definitely not used to this kind of physical affection.
The knowledge that Theodore was one of the only people Laith had ever actually hugged filled him with pride. He was important enough that Laith had wanted to hug him back, really hug him back. Soon, he’d be so important that Laith would even want to hug him first. Ideally, that’d come to Laith as naturally as when their bodies met over a bed.
“Emily, what’s happening?” Laith barely moved his lips, paralyzed.
In response, she not only pulled away from him, but shoved him against the wall as well, for good measure. Now, that he took a lot more in stride, seemingly relieved by it. She was back to her idiosyncrasies. “Can’t I hug my best friend? I feel like shit for the way I treated you this week. I was a dick!”
“Yeah, well.” Laith shrugged, fixing his jacket with a hand. “Can’t say that was too far from the norm.”
“Idiot.” She grinned. “I owe you an apology.”
“It’s fine.”
“No, it isn’t. I shouldn’t have said half the things I said to you. I called you an abuser, dude. It was fucked up.”
Another shrug bounced Laith’s shoulders, eyes off to the side. “Whatever.”
“Laith.” She touched his arm, a lot more serious now. “I’m sorry.”
“Okay.” His tone was dismissive, reply spoken without eye contact, desperate to end the topic. Suddenly, he found Theodore’s face, catching a breath in his throat. “So everything’s fine now, right?”
“Ryan’s still upset.” Emily was fast on the draw, beating Theodore. The way Laith had asked it had caused him to believe he’d been addressed, but her answer was as good as his. “He’s up in his room,” she added. “There were some disagreements, all very emotionally charged, so it might take him a while to calm down, but he’ll be alright. Sherry’s there with him.”
“He doesn’t wanna see me anymore,” Theodore jumped in, heart painfully squeezed. “Emily said you guys wouldn’t stop being friends with me because of him, but I don’t know how we’re gonna do that.”
“We can hang out with you two separately.” Justin’s tone was both gentle and matter of fact. “I don’t think that’s gonna be a problem.”
“Yeah, we’ll just have a schedule. Fridays are usually reserved for Ryan, so we could see you on Saturdays. How does that sound?”
Emily’s idea was good; it’d be the answer to all their issues, not to mention it was the one thing Theodore had been trying to achieve this entire time, but still, his first thought was how he’d remained in second place anyway. Even after all of this, they’d see Ryan first and hang out with him after, the main course and the leftovers. He forced a smile despite the ache in his chest, hands stuffed in his pockets. A nod was his answer, non-verbal; if he said anything, he’d probably choke on it.
Laith didn’t buy it. Theodore saw the squint in his eyes, feet moving closer for inspection, eyebrows furrowed with suspicion. They stood across the circle from each other. “Why don’t you like that?”
“I do like it.” His heart jumped, hyperaware of this newfound attention. “It’s a good idea.”
Laith simply held the stare, smoke blowing out of his nose. Somehow, that was a stronger push to keep Theodore talking than anything he could’ve said.
“I just feel like…” Sweat budded on his forehead. “Well, you guys are always gonna be Ryan’s friends first. I’m just his little brother.”
Emily frowned behind her mask. Her eyebrows gave it away. “That’s not how we feel about you at all.”
A tut turned Theodore around to glance at Justin next, watching him take a step closer. Justin clasped a hand on his shoulder, so heavy it shook him a bit. There was humor in it though, in the hidden smile that rounded is face, eyes shining over his mask. “C’mon, I think you need to party. Ryan’s got you down, so let’s make you feel better. That’s what friends do.”
Hope quivered in Theodore’s chest. Really?
“Yeah, I think you need a shot,” Emily cheekily added.
He could barely believe his own ears. “I thought you hated seeing me drink.”
“That was Ryan in my head again. I know you drink already, and at your age, we were all drinking too. I’d be a hypocrite if I had a problem with you when I didn’t have a problem with any other friend of mine. I was a hypocrite—and I’m sorry.”
“That doesn’t mean we’ll let you get completely wasted, though,” Justin jumped in.
“No, just buzzed. A nice kind of buzz.”
“Yeah, like you’ll still get enough rest to watch class tomorrow morning.”
“We’ll stop drinking early, so by the time class rolls around, you won’t be hungover. I’ll remind you to drink plenty of water.”
“No mixing drinks either.”
“Just beer, water and one shot.”
The way those two coordinated their thoughts about him, what he could or couldn’t do at the party, reminded him of his parents, but in an ethereal way, disembodied, if his parents were young and cool. He remembered how considerate Justin had been when they’d first smoked together, concerned to be there with him, to watch him through the high. As for Emily, she’d always been accommodating, a shoulder to cry on. She’d kept her tenderness and care even when he’d spouted the most hateful, most vile stuff on the phone and hung up in her face.
They’d both always cared about him a lot. He might not come first in their list of priorities, but he knew he was up there anyway.
“Is there a party going on?” he asked.
“There always is.”
The hand on his shoulder moved to the other one, Justin’s arm hooking him across the neck to pull him along. He didn’t know where they were going, but followed Justin regardless, starting down the block.
“We’re close to Streisand’s,” Laith remarked. “I haven’t been there in ages.”
“Oh my god, you’re right. Man, I haven’t heard that name in years!”
“But you live here,” Theodore cut in. “How come you don’t go there anymore?”
“I don’t know. The crowd at Streisand’s is made up primarily of college students, so when Ryan and I graduated, I guess we ended up moving onto something else. We’ve been hitting underground clubs a lot more nowadays.”
“Streisand’s is like a rite of passage,” Justin explained. “Once you’re done with college, you’re pretty much done with it too. At least, that’s how it goes for most of us.”
Huh. That’d explain why Dylan and the others only ever went there to chaperone for his brother.
The weight of this moment only hit Theodore in full when the house came into view, with drunk people sitting on the front lawn and muffled music echoing across the street. He was at Streisand’s with Laith and the others. He’d party with Laith and the others. They’d partied last week too, but the farm had felt more like a hangout than a party. If he had to point to a reason, he’d probably say his hangover, too sick to drink. He supposed that drinking together was what came to mind when he thought of a party, so not being able to do it coupled with arriving late, when everyone was already drunk, had pretty much ruined the experience. That was also what made this so exciting—he’d finally get to drink with these guys.
On a different note, it was weird to be here in the daytime. Young people drinking on a Sunday afternoon was a common sight, since nothing was open and options were limited, but he’d just never started drinking this early. He was usually asleep at this hour too.
“Holy shit.” Emily’s voice gathered the group’s attention, eyes set straight ahead. In her enthusiasm, she even grabbed Justin’s hand. Theodore saw Justin glance down at it too, eyebrows up with surprise, before meeting Theodore’s face, entirely by accident. Neither one of them spoke a single word, unnecessary; that look had said it all. “Remember when I barfed all over the yard? Right there, where that guy is standing. Laith and Ryan were doing cartwheels, trying to show each other up, while I pretty much turned myself inside out.”
“I almost threw up too.” Justin grinned. “It was the tequila.”
“That awful tequila, cheap as hell. God, that was bad.”
“I didn’t see any of that,” Laith contested. “You must’ve thrown up like the fucking exorcist, ‘cause when I looked at you again, the grass was already blue.”
“You were doing cartwheels for a long time.”
“No, I wasn’t. It was just the one.”
“It wasn’t just one.”
“Bro, you were so out of breath you almost passed out. Don’t you remember that?” Justin jumped in.
“You’re making me look bad. I destroyed Ryan that day.”
“Then almost stepped on the sick.”
Emily laughed.
“Yeah, but I didn’t,” Laith defended.
“’Cause I shouted at you!”
“I remember that.”
Letting go of Justin’s hand, Emily started up the stone path that crossed the yard. “The only time you ever shouted,” she added.
In response, Laith simply tutted.
***
Once inside the house, Emily went straight for the kitchen. She handed each of them solo cups and took a tequila bottle from behind the kegs. Theodore had never seen anyone drink from those bottles before, but if they were out in the open, then it must be okay to do it.
“You just told us of when you threw up with this, and now you’re having it?” he asked.
“It’s tradition.” She smiled. “You’ll be okay if you don’t have too much.” One hand poured the equivalent of a shot into her plastic cup as she spoke, eyes down to measure it. Then, she brought the bottle to Laith, but before anything could fall into it, he moved his cup away.
“I’m not drinking tonight,” he explained. “I’ll stick to water.”
That comment struck something within her. She didn’t move, eyes twice their original sizes, glued on his face. “Are you…?” She never finished that question and he never answered it, either. Instead, he simply turned to fill his cup with tap water. Still in a state of shock, Emily reached across the circle and passed the bottle over to Justin. “Can you finish pouring the shots, please?”
“Yeah, yeah.”
She took Laith’s elbow and made to leave, a clear indication that he should follow. That wasn’t lost on him, of course, but he refused to move nonetheless, not budging from the sink. Her efforts weren’t forceful; it was supposed to be a discreet signal, so when he remained perfectly in place, she was forced to stare up into his face and address it. “I’d like to talk to you.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
“Yes, there is.”
“Then say it here.”
The two held the stare. It was curious to see how Laith went from a pushover to stubborn in such a short amount of time. Theodore supposed it depended on how much he cared for the topic at hand, how far he’d go to stick to his ideals. Either that, or Laith was just different with him, much more lenient. The special treatment felt nice, even if he’d only noticed it now.
His attention was on the quarrel, watching it openly as Justin moved out of view. Theodore didn’t have to look at his friend to know he was pouring himself a shot, just like Emily had asked him to.
“Do you want one too?” Justin’s voice was quiet, trying not to disrupt the discussion by the sink.
Theodore nodded.
Emily passed the other two a brief glance before speaking, clearly addressing Laith. “Are you back in touch with Fred?”
Who was Fred?
“No.” Laith practically spoke into his cup, sipping from it shortly afterwards.
“Okay.” She stared into the side of his face, eyes no longer on her own. “How are you feeling?”
“Fine.”
Justin moved away from Theodore and placed the bottle back where they’d found it. Laith saw that, and in response, raised his own cup for a toast.
“Welcome to the gang, Theo.”
Despite the weight of the atmosphere, Theodore’s heart still summersaulted, lips curling into a smile.
“To Theo!” Justin added, mirroring Laith.
They all touched their cups together before downing the tequila in one go. It burned like hell, but it was nothing Theodore hadn’t already experienced. Still, he grimaced to keep it down. Horrible.
Emily was the first to fill her empty cup with beer. Justin followed, and while he was busy with that, Theodore watched her cross the room for the archway. Rather than walk through it, she stopped with a hand on the frame, face hidden away. It’d been sudden enough that he guessed something must have crossed her mind, a surfacing thought. “When you called me the other day…” Here, she turned to glance at her best friend. “What did you do afterwards?”
Instead of answering her, Laith walked out of the room. Naturally, she followed.
“The keg’s all yours,” Justin remarked. His voice broke through Theodore’s focus just as effectively as a bucket of cold water. He even flinched.
“Right, thanks.” He placed his cup under the tap and twisted the knob.
“Don’t worry about those guys. They always get carried away with each other.”
He glanced up to meet Justin’s eyes. “Who’s Fred?”
“Laith’s old therapist. He stopped seeing him a while ago.”
“Why?”
“He said he was doing better and didn’t need him anymore.”
“Was he?”
“I think so. I believed him, anyway.”
“So he told you about the therapist but not about the hospital.”
“You think they were related?”
“Did they happen around the same time?”
“I mean…” Justin moved his head, weighing his thoughts. “Probably. I don’t really remember; it’s been a while. He doesn’t tell me much, you know. Everything he talks about is usually a joke, which is how I get to know some stuff, but not a lot. He only talks to Emily.”
“Right.”
With his cup full, Theodore left the kitchen, Justin in tow.
Emily was just now figuring out that Laith hadn’t been doing well. Theodore didn’t know too much about it himself, but last week, Laith had mentioned the mental strain he’d been in, stressed out by the scenario Theodore had put together and Ryan and Emily had perpetuated, like actors in a play. He hadn’t meant for it to go that far; he’d just wanted the others to know, or rather, for Ryan to know. Demonizing Laith hadn’t been part of the plan.
This week, his father had decided to become a problem too, as if Laith didn’t already have enough on his plate. Again, because of Theodore. Actually, everything could be traced back to him and how stupid he was, doing whatever he wanted, disinterested in the consequences, which had all ended up falling on Laith. Theodore had even driven him to take pills, whatever his prescription was for. If he had to guess, it probably combated stress.
How long did they last, by the way? Laith had been on them all night; he couldn’t possibly still be under their influence. Since he still refused to drink, he might’ve taken another one in his apartment, while Theodore had busied himself with something else. They must be stored in the bathroom.
His guess that Emily and Laith had moved to the backyard soon proved correct; on the back porch, he saw them cutting through the crowd. Emily seemed to be the only one talking, leaning forward to stare into Laith’s face, following him with effort. If Theodore already had trouble keeping up with the man, then he couldn’t imagine how much harder it was for her. He followed a few feet behind, so they could have their privacy, unable to make out what it was that she so avidly conveyed. The two stopped by the back fence, away from the crowd, in their own space.
Streisand’s backyard overlooked a dense patch of the woods, thirty or so feet from the fence. At five thirty in the afternoon, the sun hadn’t technically started setting yet, but it’d grown close to the very top of the trees. Summertime always stretched the days out for way too long.
As soon as Theodore and Justin joined the other two, their previous conversation seemed to be done. Emily downed her entire cup of beer in a single go and left. The group watched her walk back to the house in a dumbstruck daze, wordlessly surprised. The suddenness of it was what got Theodore the most. She must not be happy with the end of that talk.
“Everything is fine now, right?” He addressed Laith with a fixed stare. “You’re friends with everyone again and the thing with my dad is settled. No one’s giving us trouble anymore, yeah?”
“Yeah. It’ll be fine.”
“No. I’m asking if things are fine now.”
“They are. We’ll work something out with your dad and it’ll be fine. I’m in charge, remember?”
The absolute peace that radiated from Laith filled him with confidence. Whether it’d come from the end of their problems or the pills didn’t really matter; things were finally under control.
“The stuff with your dad,” Justin jumped in, thoughtful, “you know, I’m still thinking about it. He freaked me out when we met in the office, and even more when you told me he’s—you know, but I’ve been thinking and… I just don’t think he’d be able to know when we hang out. Like, unless one of us tells him, he won’t know. He can’t know.”
“Yeah, Laith’s his spy, or he’s supposed to be, but he’s obviously not saying anything.”
“We have it figured out,” Laith added. “We’re fine, and if you’re worried about him running into us, don’t be; I know his schedule.”
“You do?” Wow, Laith had a much stronger hold on the situation than Theodore had given him credit for.
“Yeah, pretty much. I know when he’s underground, and when he isn’t, I know the kind of places he goes to. Streisand’s isn’t one of them.”
Theodore scoffed out a laugh. “The whole reason he assigned you to me was so he wouldn’t have to come to places like this.”
Laith nodded.
“I hope you unblocked me,” Justin commented sheepishly, voice disappearing into thin air.
In response, Theodore took out his phone, unlocked it and unblocked his friend right in front of him. “There. Friends once again.”
Justin smiled.
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