The drive back home
I don't want your love
unless you know I am repulsive
and love me even as you know it
-- Georges Bataille, My Mother
Surprisingly, Laith wasn’t on the porch like he’d expected. The late afternoon sun cast a long shadow across the front lawn and the carefully kept garden there, extending down the hillside, over the driveway that his father had driven up last night. He remembered Laith telling him about the altercation with Ryan, hand pointing to the middle of the lawn, so maybe they’d resumed today’s argument in the same place. He took the steps on the left side of the porch, which snaked down the hill and split in two; one path veered toward the driveway, while the other continued crossing the lawn.
As he followed the trail, he caught sight of Laith’s leg sticking out from behind the roundabout, body hidden by the beautiful arrangement of plants there. Theodore wasn’t making that much noise, but he still had a feeling Laith could hear him anyway.
Sitting on gravel, Laith leaned against the short wall that fenced the roundabout. One of his legs was bent at the knee with an elbow leaning on it, hand buried into his hair. The moment he caught sight of Theodore, green eyes glanced up puffy and red, muddy like the lake after a storm, but still incredibly poignant. It hurt to see it.
In an act of solidarity, Theodore took a seat. His presence prompted Laith to straighten up, arm falling comfortably over his knee.
“Am I taking too long?” Laith asked.
There was nothing in his voice Theodore could really read, other than the strain he’d expected to hear.
“No, I just missed you.”
Laith’s lips quirked up into a very brief smile, so fleeting that he almost missed it.
It was warm, but breezy enough that the shade almost felt cool, part of their legs out in the sun, pants covering them. Laith wore the pair with the two gashes over his knees, the same one from the first time they’d met, or at least, a very similar replacement. His left hand rested absently over the gravel, very close to Theodore—he could take it. The possibility seized him by the throat, heart jumping out of his chest.
The camping trip came to mind, when they’d swum deep into the bowels of the lake, the only time their hands had ever met, cut short by the knee he’d dug into Laith’s stomach. They’d been growing so close to each other, building intimate bonds, showing parts of themselves that nobody else had ever seen—why did the space between them still feel abysmal? Theodore was still shut out, unable to take Laith’s hand and squeeze it, unable to hold him just to feel the warmth of his body, to exist within the safety of his arms. There was a sort of civility that came with daytime, an unspoken agreement that kept them six feet apart. Physically, Laith was right there, but still remained as untouchable as if an entire ocean separated them.
“I remembered something else about last night.” Laith spoke with his eyes set straight ahead at the scenery that enveloped Justin’s farm. Theodore’s pulse skipped. “The punch Ryan gave me.”
His shoulders dropped with disappointment. “Anything else?”
“The sunrise. You watched it with me.”
“I did.”
Laith turned to look at him. “Thanks for being with me last night; I wasn’t doing well.”
“You were fine.”
“No, I was in really bad shape. I don’t know what I told you, but I know it was all really genuine, ‘cause it felt like—like there were rocks in my mouth and I kept swallowing them. I felt like shit.”
“How do you feel now?”
Dark eyebrows bounced, eyes almost rolling. “Touché.”
“I don’t mean to make you feel worse; I just don’t think anything’s changed.”
“It hasn’t; I’m just glad you were there.”
“Are you glad I’m here now?”
Their eyes met again.
“Yeah.”
His heart fluttered despite himself. God, he almost even smiled.
Time to ruin it.
“Did you know Emily’s in love with you?”
A sarcastic snort left Laith’s face, head turning to stare off again. “She’s not in love with me.”
“Yeah, she is. I just made a fool out of myself in the kitchen. I didn’t know.”
“It’s not that deep; it was just a high school crush. She’s way over it. Nothing even happened.”
Hm. Her reaction earlier—the look she’d given him made him question the validity of that statement. Then again, the shock could very well have been directed at the abrasiveness of his words and not the content of his remark. He didn’t know Emily well enough to judge that.
“I don’t know if she’s over it. She cares about you a lot.”
“She cares about Justin too. You think she’s in love with him?”
“Yeah, actually.”
“What about Ryan? She defends him like he’s god incarnate. Is she in love with him too?”
“Well.” He’d never actually considered that one. “Maybe.”
Laith scoffed. “You’re so embarrassing. You live with four women, bro. You think they’re all in love with you just ‘cause they care about you?”
His face burned. “No, of course not. That’s not what I’m talking about either; Emily’s just… so passionate! She cares so much about you guys that it kinda feels like it’s coming from somewhere else, somewhere deeper.”
“She’s a single child. Did I tell you that? She has no family besides her parents; no aunts or uncles, no cousins, no one. We’re her family—that’s why she cares so much.”
“Oh.”
Well, if he felt like an idiot before, then this just solidified that fact. Honestly, at this point, he should probably just leave. This whole time, Emily was doing him a favor. His shoulders raised up to his ears, face melting with shame.
“I think I’m gonna go.” The sentence left him small and strained. Laith noticed it, but didn’t seem to pay it any mind.
“Okay, I’ll come in soon.”
“No, I mean I’m—I’m leaving.”
Their eyes met. Laith’s eyebrows were drawn, but Theodore still wasn’t able to read what that meant.
“If you wait a while, Justin will give us all a ride back to town.”
His shoulders held by his ears, awkward and tense. Unable to capture a single emotion from Laith, he dropped the stare. “I just feel like no one wants me here.” The sincerity of that statement sliced him up inside, voice as quiet as a whisper. He immediately wished he hadn’t said anything.
In silence, Laith touched his face. His eyes closed with it, fingers warm on his cheek, brushing along his jaw. “I touched you like this, didn’t I?”
He nodded. It hadn’t been exactly like this, so close to his neck, but the way Laith had done it had been just like it. The tenderness and the care were still there. Laith brushed the hair on the back of his head, palm splayed across it in a gesture that moved his head along, just a little bit. The warmth that pumped through his cheeks was different now, kinder, the same type that burst within his chest and prompted his lungs to fill up with air. There was nothing romantic about it, which was what astounded him the most, just how intimate it felt while very well being something that his mother could’ve done.
He thought of the couch in his parents’ old house. Right where the L bent and stretched along the wall, he pictured the both of them, but sitting much closer to each other than this, cuddling on the seat that was meant for one. Laith’s arm hugged him around the shoulders, hand playing with his hair, carding through it just like this. While the thought brought him peace, the fact it’d never happen lodged a lump in his throat. They’d never be like that.
“Let’s go back in,” Laith offered, voice soft like a coo.
“Can we stay here for a while?”
A thumb swiped over the back of his neck. “Yeah.”
He couldn’t tell when his shoulders had relaxed, but attributed it to Laith nonetheless. In the distance, there was chirping, a beautiful melody to accompany the rustling of leaves in the breeze, not as warm as it used to be. The hand on his head eventually left it, but under the weight of Laith’s arm, he honestly didn’t mind it; it felt like they’d only grown closer anyway, nestled comfortably under Laith’s wing. He couldn’t think of the last time they’d done this, if ever, and took the opportunity to rest his head on Laith’s shoulder, knees drawn close to his own chest, arms folded over them. Naturally, as if they’d done this a million times, Laith shifted for comfort and lay his own head on top of Theodore’s, his cheek buried in blonde hair. Breathing in the spice that tied tobacco and amber together, Theodore decided that this was the best it’d ever get.
He was on the brink of falling asleep when Laith moved next to him, followed by a kiss planted within his hair. “C’mon,” Laith whispered, hand brushing his bangs aside, “I’m starving.”
A grin rounded his cheeks, body leaning away to sit on its own. As soon as their eyes met, a rush of emotion made his heart flutter, lungs expanding in his chest. Driven by it, drunk on it, he leaned forward and landed a kiss right on Laith’s mouth, chaste and innocent, but full of feeling. Through the surprise, Laith smiled—he felt it against his lips—but still reciprocated anyway, forever accommodating to Theodore. When they parted, the world seemed a little bit brighter.
They didn’t actually make it back inside the farmhouse. Halfway up the steps that climbed the hillside, they caught sight of the others walking out the front door. There were no conversations permeating the air, a perfect silence as they filed into the porch, all grave looks and stern faces. The one thing Theodore could read was the mild surprise that came when eyes fell on him, but even then, the atmosphere only seemed to grow sourer, as if their expectations hadn’t been met. What were they hoping to find?
They all started down the steps while Justin locked the door, so Laith stopped climbing. Absently, Theodore noticed he’d stopped near the same place where Ryan had attacked him the night before. He wondered if Laith had forgotten about that too.
“Are we leaving?” he asked, voice steady despite how badly his hands shook.
In response, Sherry touched his shoulder, prompting him to accompany her down the steps. That alone was enough to bring wind to his lungs. “Ryan’s not doing so well. You can stay, of course; it’s up to you when you decide to leave. Justin will only be a minute, anyway.”
Immediately, he glanced back at Laith; it was the part of him that sought comfort in a desperate attempt to find it, a seal amid sharks. Instead of sympathy though, he found Emily now standing between them, staring with eyes that wished for his complete disappearance, no trace left behind.
“Laith’s coming with us.” The steadfastness of her tone turned him back around, heart racing in his chest. Maybe this was for the best, after all; he didn’t want to be here anymore.
“It’s okay; I wouldn’t want to inconvenience him.” This time, he failed to keep his voice from trembling, words like squiggles on a page.
The drive was quiet. Sherry sat next to him on the bed of the truck, coffee and vanilla blowing in the wind, her long braids brushing him on the shoulder. It was nice to have her on his side, even if it pissed Ryan off; dark eyes watched him from under a scowl the entire time. The fact that he didn’t say anything about it or act out his frustrations was an improvement that Theodore never thought he’d get to see. The day his brother didn’t lash out on him—historical. Realistically, he knew it was only because Sherry was here, but he’d take it anyway.
He thought of what Ryan had said earlier, that he wasn’t to blame, a concept corroborated by pretty much everybody else—he only didn’t know Emily’s thoughts on it—so why the look? Why did it still feel like he’d done something wrong?
“What is it?” That question left him straight from the chest. The confidence in his tone caused both Laith and Sherry to look at him too.
“What?” Ryan asked, scowling still.
“You’re looking at me like I killed your wife.”
With an eye roll, Ryan glanced off to the scenery that whipped past, no longer glaring at him.
“No,” he pressed, fully aware of how rare this win was, one he’d never gotten before. He just had to push it. “You clearly have a problem with me, so tell me what it is.”
“I don’t have a problem with you.”
“You obviously do.”
Their eyes met again, no change in the hatred that burned in Ryan’s irises. “It pisses me off when you don’t listen to me.”
“What did you want me to do?”
“Not be here, not hang around anyone here and not speak to them either.”
“So I’m not allowed to do any of the things you do.”
“Henry is going to kill you.”
He squinted, chest burning. “You’re not going to tell him.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I know you’d bite off your own arm before speaking to him again.”
“Maybe this one’s worth it. Maybe he’ll even thank me for it.”
“You know he won’t.”
Ryan’s jaw set. “Why are you like this?”
“Like what?” His question was genuine.
“Mom’s weapon to make my life hell.”
That hit him like a blow in the throat, despite how truly unsurprising it was. Hearing confirmation on the suspicions he’d carried for years now was both cleansing and deeply upsetting. He wanted to disappear. The thought of throwing himself backwards off the side of the truck not only crossed his mind, but tempted him to actually do it.
“You only do what you do to fucking spite me,” Ryan told him.
“You sound like mom.”
Ryan lunged at him so quickly that, when he finally reacted, both Laith and Sherry were already in between them. She pressed a hand over Ryan’s chest while Laith grabbed him by the arm, inviting struggle to take place. It was a successful way to redirect Ryan’s anger somewhere else, while also sacrificing oneself in the process. Sherry quickly became the mediator there as well, breaking the two of them apart just before they managed to throw each other off the side. With one final temper tantrum, Ryan pushed everyone off himself and sat in the corner. That was that.
The closest subway entrance to the farm was the same one Theodore used to drive past on the way home from practice, right on the outskirts of town, without a single sign to indicate it. Justin pulled up to the curb and parked, prompting everyone to grab their bags and hop off. Anxiety quickly took over Theodore right then, paralyzing, born from the fact that he had no idea how to get home from here. His mother had always driven him, and even then, they’d gone to a different address than his current one. Still, with cold sweat on his hands, he slung his bag over a shoulder and jumped off the truck. If anything, Laith knew where he lived and could help him get there. He wouldn’t get abandoned on the sidewalk—right?
“Theo.” Justin’s voice turned him around to face it, eyes falling on the cabin of the truck where the passenger door was open. Emily must’ve just left it. “Take the front seat; I’ll drive you home.”
Oh, thank god. A massive breath left his lungs, shoulders relaxing right away. “Thank you.” He threw the bag on the seat, ready to climb it. As soon as he made for it though, a hand grabbed him by the shoulder and yanked him back. Stumbling, he turned to see Ryan at his side.
“Don’t ever speak to anyone here again.”
With his blood boiling, Theodore shrugged himself free. “Or what? You’ll punch a wall and scream? Fuck off.”
Ryan shoved him. It wasn’t too hard, or at least not nearly as hard as he’d seen it happen, but it still made him fall back against the truck.
“Ryan!”
Sherry didn’t shout, though her voice was still louder than usual and just stern enough to have an effect on him. It kept him from doing anything else, despite how much he wanted to; Theodore could see the intensity of the rage in his eyes, hands closed into fists. Hesitantly, he took a step back, eyes still locked on Theodore’s face. A moment later, Ryan turned to leave.
This was the first time Ryan had laid a hand on him in eleven years. He remembered it like it’d been yesterday, when Ryan had pushed him down the stairs after babysitting all day. Carolyn had been sick and not really watching the kids; that had been Ryan’s way of getting her attention back. The next memory in line was waking up in bed engulfed in darkness. Sometimes, Theodore still wondered if he’d ever fallen down the stairs at all.
In the passenger seat, he shut the door. On the sidewalk, Ryan and the others headed toward the subway entrance. Laith was the last one in line, inching forward very slowly, leather jacket hanging over a shoulder. In the privacy that lagging behind gave him, he threw Theodore a glance, face perfectly emotionless, eyes bright. The unsuspecting nature of it shocked him, catching a breath in his throat.
They stared at each other. His hand gripped the door over the window slit, rolled all the way down, nothing in the space between them. Laith’s hesitation made him believe he was about to say something, feet shuffling, barely walking anymore. His heart raced, but the moment passed in silence and nothing came. Instead, Laith simply turned back around.
“Laith!”
The name left him in a shout, the product of an urge to keep Laith from leaving, embarrassingly desperate. What he hadn’t accounted for was getting everybody else’s attention too, because the moment he screamed, they all turned to look. Understandably so, but it still put him in a predicament where he couldn’t be entirely genuine and bare his soul, but also, he had to say something. They all expected it now.
The easiest way out, of course, would be to apologize for getting Laith in trouble, or something else to the same effect, but… a different idea formed in his mind, less disingenuous. The attention was a byproduct of his desperation, sure, but it didn’t mean that was a bad thing. It didn’t have to be, anyway. He could very well take this as an opportunity to be as inflammatory as possible, if he wanted to. Now that thought brought him a lot more joy. Wickedly, he smirked.
“See you soon.”
Just like that, the entire group exploded, shouting back that actually, no, he wasn’t going to be seeing Laith anytime soon, or ever really, while Laith simply rolled his eyes. Laughter rose up his chest and burst out loud, like a little troll that had successfully pranked an entire crowd, even though the prank in question was just the truth. He knew for a fact that he’d see Laith again, regardless of when that would actually happen; it was the certainty of it that gave him such confidence.
“Justin,” he wheezed out, laughing even harder as the angry mob rushed to the truck, “go. Go! Oh my god, drive!”
The way Justin fumbled with the keys, hitting the corners of the ignition, one shake away from dropping them altogether dripped tears from Theodore’s eyes. He hadn’t laughed this hard in years.
Desperate, Justin managed to slip the key into the ignition and start the truck. Just as Ryan was about to grab the door handle, they took off.
Theodore giggled uncontrollably.
“You can’t do shit like this!” The exasperation in Justin’s tone was subdued by good humor. It was very clear just how hard he tried not to laugh, but ultimately failed to keep a grin from breaking through. “You can’t poke a hornet’s nest and then ask why all these hornets are chasing after you!”
There was no way Justin intended for that to be funny, but it still made Theodore laugh.
“Did you see how mad they were?” He could barely speak, breathless.
“You can’t—” Justin chuckled. “You can’t do that. They’re gonna kill you.”
“Can’t kill me if they never see me again.” He poked his own head to showcase his genius.
Justin shook his head, grinning. “Like you’re actually gonna stay away. You’re in this now; nowhere to run.”
His cheeks hurt with how wide he grinned. “I’m deep in it.”
“Deep in it.”
He giggled. “Oh, man.” A sigh escaped his lips, back leaning against the seat. “I’m finally in it.”
The path that Justin took was familiar, too familiar, with businesses that Theodore hadn’t seen since graduating and neighborhoods that didn’t lead downtown at all. In fact, they crawled from the corners of town to the quieter, suburban portions of it, like the one where he used to live. Wait, why were they going to his old house? As soon as Justin turned into his old neighborhood, he realized he’d never told him about the move. Instinctively, he reached over and grabbed Justin’s arm.
“This is the wrong address. I moved.”
“Oh.” The truck slowed down. “Where do you live now?”
“Like two blocks from campus, close to Ryan’s apartment.”
“Really? He never told me that. I could’ve dropped both of you off.”
“Yeah, he doesn’t know.”
“What?”
“I never told him.”
“Why?”
His shoulders raised into a shrug that never actually fell. “I was afraid to make him mad. I know it’s stupid, like I see that now, you know, let him squirm and stuff, but that’s why. I’ll tell him later.” Out the window, trees and bushes passed by as Justin drove out of Jasmine Gardens. “Or you can tell him, if you want. I haven’t texted him in… forever, actually. I’ve never texted him at all.”
“But you do have his number, right?”
“Yeah, yeah, of course.”
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